10. When the umpire yells “Play ball!” your entire team runs to second base

9. They feel weak and listless without their Twinkies

8. One player gets injured standing for the National Anthem

7. A runner gets thrown out for stealing the dugout

6. When a sports writer compares your cleanup batter to Ruth, he means Ruth Buzzi

5. You keep hearing arguments about how many strikes to an out

4. When you tell a player to take left field, he asks, “My left or your left?”

3. Every time the pitcher throws the ball, the catcher dives out of the way

2. When your leadoff hitter gets to first, he has to ask for directions to second

1. It’s a hockey team
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Tags: Bob Sullivan's top ten everything, sports by Bob Sullivan
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#61

The day has taken a billion ages to die.
No more than mathematical points, infinite
In any space defined or without compass,
We, our thoughts, motes in a god’s eye,
God’s tearful eye, are not (at least) indefinite.
We are both dark energy and dark mass.
Something beyond the sun points to us.
A light beyond any spectrum we know,
Like a thought, but even more like a reason,
An unimaginable generator of purposes,
Flies at us, at our minds, not like an arrow,
To pierce, but with a kiss’s intent, a frisson.
It takes only a day for all our suns to set.
Sadly, that light is what we’ll least regret.

Note: This is one of more than 100 poems after paintings or images, which can be viewed at the blog, Zealotry of Guerin.

Tags: living poetry by Christopher Guerin
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I had been in the US for five years before I encountered my first white supremacist. It happened outside a gas station on a rural back road in Texas, next to a used tire lot that I suspected was a front for skullduggery. We didn’t exchange any words; we just walked past each other, scowling. How did I know he was a white supremacist if we didn’t talk? The “White Power” tattoo on his gut was a dead giveaway.

Tags: race & culture, trusted media & news by Daniel Kalder
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I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:

Emperor’s Decree No. 37382: In the interest of full disclosure, it must be revealed: the Emperor is straight. (Not that there is anything wrong with that.) He imagines, however, that, if he were gay, he would be sick to death of people going out of their way to brag about having him as a friend. It is embarrassing to watch the subjects of the Empire grovel for acceptance in a rapidly-changing philosophical climate by harping on their connection to gay friends instead of just…having them as friends. It shall cease. Just have plain-old friends, my minions. Don’t be a gaytronizer.

The Punishment: Violators shall be forced to watch old sitcoms with token ethnic characters for three-months, non-stop. (They will be connected to a feeding tube in order to facilitate the possibility of this.) Their eyes will be propped open A Clockwork Orange-style and they will be lubricated periodically with a turkey baster.

Now, go forth and obey.

The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning.

Tags: The Emperor decrees by Chris Matarazzo
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OK, guys, you are at a baseball game and you’ve downed a few beers during the early going. Between innings, you run out through the tunnel looking for the nearest bathroom. You are not the only one with this idea, of course, and you find yourself in line. A few minutes later, you reach the urinal. You do your business, wash your hands, and get back to your seat as quickly as possible, right? The Lehigh Valley Iron Pigs, a minor league affiliate of the Philadelphia Phillies, hopes not. Instead, they would like you to spend a few extra minutes playing the video games they plan to install above the urinals at Coca-Cola Park in Allentown. Wait, what?

[Read more →]

Tags: bad sports, good sports by Alan Spoll
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10. “As ye sew, so shall ye rip.”

9. “The meek shall inherit the earth. They won’t have the nerve to refuse it.”

8. “Many are cold, but few are frozen.”

7. “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone….Ow!”

6. “Know thyself, but not in the ‘Biblical’ sense.”

5. “Thou shalt not raise thy hand to thy child. It leaves thy groin unprotected.”

4. “Money is the root of all evil – so why do churches beg for it?”

3. “Remember the Golden Rule: He who has the gold, makes the rules.”

2. “The lion and the lamb shall lie down together, but the lamb won’t get much sleep.”

1. “In the beginning, there was nothing, and God said, ‘Let there be light.’ Then there was still nothing, but now you could see it.”
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Tags: Bob Sullivan's top ten everything, religion & philosophy by Bob Sullivan
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