The Emperor decrees that gaytronization shall end
I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:
Emperor’s Decree No. 37382: In the interest of full disclosure, it must be revealed: the Emperor is straight. (Not that there is anything wrong with that.) He imagines, however, that, if he were gay, he would be sick to death of people going out of their way to brag about having him as a friend. It is embarrassing to watch the subjects of the Empire grovel for acceptance in a rapidly-changing philosophical climate by harping on their connection to gay friends instead of just…having them as friends. It shall cease. Just have plain-old friends, my minions. Don’t be a gaytronizer.
The Punishment: Violators shall be forced to watch old sitcoms with token ethnic characters for three-months, non-stop. (They will be connected to a feeding tube in order to facilitate the possibility of this.) Their eyes will be propped open A Clockwork Orange-style and they will be lubricated periodically with a turkey baster.
Now, go forth and obey.
The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning.
Latest posts by Chris Matarazzo (Posts)
- Book Review: An Encyclopedia of Tolkien - October 14, 2019
- The Emperor decrees an end to positive comments about “selfies” - June 16, 2015
- The Emperor decrees that graduation clichés will cease - June 9, 2015
- The Emperor decrees that all official documents will be printed in Comic Sans - March 24, 2015
- The Emperor decrees that the letter “E” shall no longer be spoken as an “A” - February 10, 2015
Discussion Area - Leave a Comment