The Emperor decrees that adult education teachers shall carry Taser stun-guns

Posted on February 19th, 2013 by Chris Matarazzo

I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:

Emperor’s Decree No. 04 AMP: Lately, there has been a great deal of talk about arming teachers — for the protection of the children and so forth. This debate may continue, but the Emperor sees another reason for arming teachers — particularly instructors of adult education (night classes, certification classes and so-forth). Recently (not that he needs it, you understand, but because it pleases him to do so) the Emperor has been attending a particular class and he has drawn this conclusion: the majority of adult-ed. students are egocentric idiots who just want to hear themselves yammer. “I know you already said that the State has not determined what will happen as a result of this situation,” said one graying woman with glasses perched with planned randomness on the top of her head, “but what will happen?” How the professor didn’t respond by smashing her on the bridge of the nose with the spine of his laptop, the Emperor does not know. The professor is to be commended for his patience. But I think we all agree that the woman really deserved to be Tasered. In short, in the future: asinine question = intense electrical shock. Likewise, anyone who raises his or her hand, gets called upon and then opens with “I have a question…” will feel the white-hot fangs of high-amperage at the hands of his instructor. “OF COURSE YOU HAVE A QUESTION, YOU LUMMOX. THAT’S WHY WE RAISE OUR HANDS IN CLASS!” GZZZZHHHHHHH. Perhaps, after pondering for a moment amid the mingled scents of burnt flesh and ozone, the next moron in line will think twice before blurting forth his own extraneous, time-devouring, attention-sponging ejaculation.

The Punishment: Professors and instructors who do not comply shall simply be doomed to keep as they are: suffering at the hands of those over whom they should hold dominion. (It really is an opportunity not to be missed.)

Now, go forth and obey.

The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning

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Chris Matarazzo

Chris Matarazzo is a writer, composer, musician and teacher of literature and writing on the college and high school levels. His music can be heard on his recent release, Hats and Rabbits, which is currently available. Chris is also the composer of the score to the off-beat independent film Surrender Dorothy and he performs in the Philadelphia area with the King Richard Band. He's also a relatively prolific novelist, even if no one seems to care yet. His blog, also called Hats and Rabbits, is nice, too, if you get a chance...