I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:

Emperor’s Decree No. 555-3342: Seriously, with the cell phones, people. Sweet Jesu. Enough. It’s pathetic. Besides, the only call you really need to hear is the Emperor’s call, n’est-ce pas? All minions of the Empire will surrender their cell phones by midnight, Thursday, so that they may be summarily destroyed. Yes, you heard correctly.

IMPERIAL SUBJECT: Oh, but Magnificent One, what about safety…

EMPEROR: [pinching fingertips and thumb together] PSHHHT!

SUBJECT: But, Emperor…I use mine for work…

EMPEROR: [pinching, again] PSHHHT!

SUBJECT: But, Emperor…I use the GPS…

EMPEROR: PSHHHHHHHHT!

SUBJECT: But…

EMPEROR: PSHHHHT!

SUBJECT: The…

EMPEROR: PSHHHHHHHHT!

SUBJECT: I…

EMPEROR: PSHT! [warning look, as subject tries to speak] Sh.

SUBJECT: It…

EMPEROR: [puts fingers to subject’s lips] Shhhhhhh. [pats subject on the head; walks away with a swish of samite robes]

The Punishment: Those seen using one of the banned devices after Thursday will be encased in a giant effigy of an iPhone and buried in a wormy hole.

Now, go forth and obey.

The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning

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Chris Matarazzo

Chris Matarazzo is a writer, composer, musician and teacher of literature and writing on the college and high school levels. His music can be heard on his recent release, Hats and Rabbits, which is currently available. Chris is also the composer of the score to the off-beat independent film Surrender Dorothy and he performs in the Philadelphia area with the King Richard Band. He's also a relatively prolific novelist, even if no one seems to care yet. His blog, also called Hats and Rabbits, is nice, too, if you get a chance...

Latest posts by Chris Matarazzo (Posts)

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• The Emperor decrees that all official documents will be printed in Comic Sans - March 24, 2015
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