The Emperor decrees an end to E-stretching (especially before nine AM)

The Emperor decrees an end to E-stretching (especially before nine AM)

Posted on January 8th, 2013 by Chris Matarazzo

I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:

Emperor’s Decree No. 44444: The Emperor has big problems with affected pronunciations; therefore, so will you. Today, he puts a stop to all E-stretchers. Many is the person who has nearly sealed his or her bloody demise by greeting the Emperor (who is simply not a morning person) with a hearty, “Good morneeeeeeen!” This usually is the chosen pronunciation of the same people who say, “Think yeeeeew,” instead of, “Thank you.” (A variant on this is: “Think yeeeuwl” — which is also henceforth banned.) One can break one’s self of these affectations by watching less reality television; but, however one does it, one must. Please be aware: Morning is the province of ubiquitous cardboard cups of piping-hot coffee and the utterance of “Good morneeeeeen!” (to the wrong person) could result in a need for emergency plastic surgery. The Emperor says this out of love and concern for his minions, but also out of concern for his own nerves, which could realistically be envisioned as a line of dominoes teetering on a rowboat, especially before nine AM.

The Punishment: E-stretchers will be temporarily outfitted with a wooden ring, one inch in diameter. The offenders’ lips will be glued around the ring. After four weeks of being forced to say, “Goooo moooornoooo,” the offender should be sufficiently aware of his equally preposterous former speech tendency. The ring will be removed, painlessly, albeit reluctantly, after the prescribed period, by the Imperial Surgeon. The tangent benefit will be that many people will have been greeted with “Gooooo moooornoooo,” which will certainly have produced resultant pleasant belly laughs instead of a pulsing, screeching urge to maim others.

Now, go forth and obey.

The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning.

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Chris Matarazzo

Chris Matarazzo is a writer, composer, musician and teacher of literature and writing on the college and high school levels. His music can be heard on his recent release, Hats and Rabbits, which is currently available. Chris is also the composer of the score to the off-beat independent film Surrender Dorothy and he performs in the Philadelphia area with the King Richard Band. He's also a relatively prolific novelist, even if no one seems to care yet. His blog, also called Hats and Rabbits, is nice, too, if you get a chance...