The Emperor decrees that ye shall no longer be a soda jerk

Posted on December 4th, 2012 by Chris Matarazzo

I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:

Emperor’s Decree No. 220: There are some who say that we, as a society, are getting wimpier and wimpier. The Emperor does not want to believe this. But we are not making much of a case for ourselves if we fear the carbonation bubbles in our colas. Agreed? (Not that you have a choice…) The Emperor has seen, of late, several yellow-bellied varmints purchasing fizzy beverages and shaking or stirring said drinks before imbibing them, in order to “get rid of the bubbles.” No. Uh-uh. Buy juice. Buy water. Brew coffee. Crack open a carton of milk. Suck on a yogurt-tube if you must, but ye shall not sit there and enrage those around you with both your insipid, pencil-necked presence and with the shake-shake-shake of the bottle followed by the intermittent pssst-sssssssss-psst-sssssssssss as you twist the lid to let out the carbonation that you are not man enough to swallow. Used to be your average macho minion would belly up to the bar and order a flaming shot of bathtub hooch, complete with various errant floaties. Now, it’s “I’ll have a Sweetie Sugar Pop, hold the bubbles.” Thanks heavens The Duke never lived to see this day.

The Punishment: Violators will be stuffed into pink wet-suits and SCUBA gear. They will be submerged to a depth of 100 feet for an hour and then will be pulled up to the surface very quickly so that they might feel the horrors to which they are subjecting their innocent cola bottles.

Now, go forth and obey.

The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning.

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Chris Matarazzo

Chris Matarazzo is a writer, composer, musician and teacher of literature and writing on the college and high school levels. His music can be heard on his recent release, Hats and Rabbits, which is currently available. Chris is also the composer of the score to the off-beat independent film Surrender Dorothy and he performs in the Philadelphia area with the King Richard Band. He's also a relatively prolific novelist, even if no one seems to care yet. His blog, also called Hats and Rabbits, is nice, too, if you get a chance...