The Emperor decrees that baconphilia will end
I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:
Emperor’s Decree No. 3X-45/17: Alright. Seriously: enough with the bacon. Turkeys-wrapped in bacon; pork chops wrapped in bacon; bacon ice cream; bacon pies; bacon-wrapped bacon over bacon salad with bacon vinaigrette. Bacon T-shirts; Facebook posts celebrating the glories of bacon. Chocolate-covered bacon; sexy women dressed in bacon thongs. Bacon coffee? Woven bacon goblets? Bacon cereal? It’s only a matter of time before bacon-porn starts up. Sweet Jesu, people! It’s yummy. The Emperor gets it. But it’s no tastier than it was ten years ago. The Emperor wants loyal subjects, not trend-gobblers. (I’m seriously considering banning all Kevin Bacon films, just for good measure.) I blame Emeril Legasse for introducing the moronic culture of cheering enthusiastically for seasonings: GAAAAHLIC!! WOO-HOO!! Cripes, how desperate can we be for fun? BACON! YIPPEE!! Insufferable.
The Punishment: Violators (anyone who devours bacon in any way but in strips, on a plate, next to a few sunny-side eggs) will be put in a 5-by-5 cell, deep in the Imperial Dungeons, with three recently-bacon-whipped wild boars who will exact revenge for their fallen brethren in a most invasive way.
Now, go forth and obey.
The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning.
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Dang! Just when I was about to go down into the cellar and get a bottle of Bacon-aux Merlot!
I actually have a bottle of bacon flavored vodka. I didn’t buy it; it was a Christmas gift (my family has an interesting take on the exchanging of gifts). It actually DOES taste like bacon, though.
…and I can’t think of anything worse to say about a bottle of vodka.
Jeff: As you are a loyal minion, I can grant a certain amount of latitude. Enjoy a few punishment-free, piggish swigs.
Ian:You dodged the dungeons with your last sentence. Well-played.
But, I love BLTs.
Can’t I still eat those? Their not new-dangled bacon-philic sandwiches.
New-fangled.
Freaking auto correct
I think we can allow traditional bacon sandwiches. Just don’t try to slip a bacon espresso past the Imperial spies.
Sorry, but I had a bacon cupcake last week and it was delicious.
I’ll just need your address…