Okay, this one is just weird. Bizarre, a little gory, pretty funny. You’d sort of like to have a drink with the sort of guy who comes up with an idea like this, but you’re a little afraid the drink might be grain alcohol, or maybe absinthe.

In Eirik Gumeny’s Exponential Apocalypse: Dead Presidents, Thor, the former Norse God of Thunder, has returned to his day job at the Secaucus Holiday Inn. He’s hanging out there with his friends, Queen Victoria XXX and Chester A. Arthur XVII.

“After the world ended for the sixteenth time, the Aussichtslos Drogensucht Gesellschaft mit beschrankter Haftung, a frozen sausage company out of Germany, manufactured an absolutely absurd number of genetic reproductions of political leaders from across the globe, hoping to land a profitable contract with the United States government, either as a steady source of on-demand experienced political minds or as a supplier of a new kind of lunch meat. They weren’t picky.” [Read more →]

Tags: books & writing, Lisa Reads by Lisa Hura
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Recently, Bill Frezza at Real Clear Markets published a story about cows fleeing California for other states because California’s state-minimum pricing of milk is too low to turn a profit.

The crisis in California stems from Golden State cheese makers carrying more political clout than dairy farmers. As a result, the minimum legal price of milk in California is 2 ½ cents per pound less than the average minimum legal price in other states. Two and a half cents may not sound like much, but in a business in chronic oversupply, that’s larger than typical profit margins.

With feedstock costs skyrocketing due to the diversion of corn to make subsidized ethanol-another brilliantly managed business- California dairy farmers are on the ropes. Meanwhile, California cheese makers enjoy a competitive advantage because it is illegal for out-of-state cheese makers to buy cheaper California milk.

[Read more →]

Tags: books & writing, politics & government by Ricky Sprague
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I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:

Emperor’s Decree No. 3X-45/17: Alright. Seriously: enough with the bacon. Turkeys-wrapped in bacon; pork chops wrapped in bacon; bacon ice cream; bacon pies; bacon-wrapped bacon over bacon salad with bacon vinaigrette. Bacon T-shirts; Facebook posts celebrating the glories of  bacon. Chocolate-covered bacon; sexy women dressed in bacon thongs. Bacon coffee? Woven bacon goblets? Bacon cereal? It’s only a matter of time before bacon-porn starts up. Sweet Jesu, people! It’s yummy. The Emperor gets it. But it’s no tastier than it was ten years ago. The Emperor wants loyal subjects, not trend-gobblers. (I’m seriously considering banning all Kevin Bacon films, just for good measure.) I blame Emeril Legasse for introducing the moronic culture of cheering enthusiastically for seasonings: GAAAAHLIC!! WOO-HOO!! Cripes, how desperate can we be for fun? BACON! YIPPEE!! Insufferable.

The Punishment: Violators (anyone who devours bacon in any way but in strips, on a plate, next to a few sunny-side eggs) will be put in a 5-by-5 cell, deep in the Imperial Dungeons, with three recently-bacon-whipped wild boars who will exact revenge for their fallen brethren in a most invasive way.

Now, go forth and obey.

The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning.

Tags: recipes & food, The Emperor decrees by Chris Matarazzo
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As popular as the NFL is on any given day, Thanksgiving day is still one of the showcase days for the league. The last thing Roger Goodell and his cronies wanted to have was a major embarrassment on Turkey Day. Nevertheless, that’s what they had. The Detroit Lions lost their traditional tilt, this time to the Houston Texans, after a confusing turn of events involving a bad call, an automatic review, and a coach’s challenge ended with a bogus touchdown for Houston that helped them win the game. [Read more →]

Tags: bad sports, good sports by Alan Spoll
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10. When people first meet you they say, “Lemme guess…Sumo wrestler?”

9. The super in your building just changed the sign in the elevator to read “Maximum Occupancy: 1”

8. When you get on a plane from New York to Los Angeles, it has to taxi the whole way

7. A policeman came up to you and ordered you to disperse

6. Both Ben and Jerry have friended you on Facebook

5. You just caught the flesh eating bacteria, and were given 93 years to live

4. Just like one of those turkey thermometers so you can tell when it’s done, your belly button just popped out

3. Everyone in New Jersey keeps calling you “Governor”

2. You had to sell your laptop because you no longer have a lap

1. You got winded just reading this Top Ten List
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Tags: Bob Sullivan's top ten everything, ends & odd by Bob Sullivan
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In the local media this past month, some attention devoted to the 25th anniversary of the rescue of Jessica McClure from a well in southwest Midland, Texas, where she was trapped for three days. That attention also provided for me an opportunity to connect with a one-time co-worker of mine – someone I have not seen for many, many years – and gain a renewed appreciation for how much smaller our world has become through the world wide web.
[Read more →]

Tags: technology, trusted media & news by Jeff McDonald
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Count me among those mourning the death of stage, screen and (most of all) television star Larry Hagman, who passed away Friday in a Dallas, Texas, hospital. Hagman was 81.

[Read more →]

Tags: art & entertainment, television by Jeff McDonald
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This is a tough review to write. The Code, by sportswriter G.B. Joyce, has a lot of things that I love — a good mystery, a flawed hero, and a bit of action. But it is all somehow a bit awkward.

First, the story: Brad Shade is a former hockey player with a sad-luck story, now a scout for the team in L.A. While scouting a particularly hot young prospect, a beloved coach and team doctor are brutally murdered, and while Shade isn’t a suspect or even a witness, his scouting duties keep leading him back around to the investigation. To get the story on his prospect, he may have to solve the murder. [Read more →]

Tags: books & writing, Lisa Reads by Lisa Hura
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“Oh God, when I have food, help me to remember the hungry; when I have work, help me to remember the jobless; when I have a warm home, help me to remember the homeless; when I am without pain, help me to remember those who suffer; and remembering, help me to destroy my complacency and bestir my compassion. Make me concerned enough to help, by word and deed those who cry out for what we take for granted … Amen.”
 – Samuel F. Pugh

Wherever this post finds you … on the road, at home or at work … at the dinner table, in front of the television or (shudder) lining-up for Black Friday bargains … have a safe, happy and blessed Thanksgiving.

Tags: religion & philosophy by Jeff McDonald
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I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:

Emperor’s Decree No. 100000: Young people of the Empire! I am only going to decree this once, so listen carefully. Two letter “O”s, in American English, are pronounced with a long “O” sound, un-interfered with. “Pool,” for instance: “poooooool.” It is not “poo-wuhl.” “Cooooool,” not “coo-wuhl.” Do you see a “W,” anywhere, in either of those words? Get it right. That’s all. I have no more to say on the matter. Now…[rubs hands together] for the punishment.

The Punishment: [Those in charge here at WFTC have deemed the Emperor’s punishment for this offense to be far too violent for publication. In fact, “sadistic” is a better word for the fate he declares for those who those who mispronounce the double-“O” sound. I mean, he’s really riled up by this one — rivers of blood; deaths of whole generations of descendants….mutilation…truffle-salt in the eyes…that sort of thing. Do yourself a favor and say it right. (“Right,” of course, being whatever the Emperor thinks.) The Imperial Language Patrol is everywhere. Don’t risk it for the sake of following some fleeting pronunciation trend. It’s hard to explain to the IRS (Imperial Revenue Service) why your body occupied two different zip codes, simultaneously, over a whole fiscal year. Just not worth the headache. Don’t be a foo-wuhl.]

Now, go forth and obey.

The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning.

Tags: language & grammar, The Emperor decrees by Chris Matarazzo
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People have proposed any number of solutions to our current financial problems, from “the fiscal cliff,” to “increased government spending.” But one problem with these ideas is that they do not take into account a common-sense approach. It’s only by using common sense ideas that we can hope to solve all our problems. To do so with compassion must also be given top priority.

One reason why compassion and common sense ideas are so rarely employed is that so few people actually have those virtues. I am not plagued by such deficiencies. That’s why I often come up with ideas that are compassionate and common-sensible. These ideas seem completely obvious to me, and yet, these ideas have never been implemented before, anywhere, because, if they had been implemented, then they would be unnecessary, because the world would be perfect and wouldn’t need compassionate common sense ideas. [Read more →]

Tags: advice, politics & government by Ricky Sprague
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In a recent article in The Atlantic John Tierney took a hard, unsubtle look at AP courses, straightfowardly titled, “AP Classes are a Scam.” [Read more →]

Tags: education, virtual children by Scott Warnock by Scott Warnock
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The relationship between a professional sports team and its fans is a special one. I come from a city where the fans take their sports extremely seriously, and ownership is held responsible for every decision, no matter how minor. Even in other, less fanatical cities, though, the people who own sports teams have a responsibility to give an honest attempt to field a winning team. I know it’s a business, and ultimately an owner only really needs to try to make money, but I feel that there is an implied contract with the fans that takes it well beyond that. In a league like Major League Baseball, there is no salary cap and also no minimum payroll. There are numerous teams in the league who spend a small fraction of what the big spenders lay out for their rosters. It’s fun to write about those high-payroll teams that fail and the penny-pinchers who succeed, but if you look at the big picture, there is a clear correlation between the amount of money spent and the relative success of the team. One owner who clearly cares nothing for that contract with the fans is Jeffrey Loria, the owner of the Miami Marlins. What he is doing to his team right now is shameful and the whole league should be embarrassed to have him be a part of it. On Tuesday, the Marlins made a deal with the Toronto Blue Jays that involved most of the team’s big-money players. They got very little in return. [Read more →]

Tags: bad sports, good sports by Alan Spoll
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10. “Try it! It tastes as good as the real thing but it’s much healthier!”

9. “It always takes me a full year to forget how much I loathe each and every one of you.”

8. “How’d I get the turkey so golden brown? Don’t tell anybody, but my little secret weapon is shellac.”

7. “This year I couldn’t afford mince or pumpkin pie, so I went with moon.”

6. “You’re right, it’s not the best looking turkey. So what part do you want, bone or gristle?”

5. “What am I thankful for? That nobody’s discovered the body yet.”

4. “When I made the turducken, I got the duck and the chicken right, but I misunderstood the turd part.”

3. “Run for your lives! Runaway electric carving knife!”

2. “The cable’s screwed up. All we can get is the Oprah Network.”

1. “9-1-1? How do you get someone out of a tryptophan-induced coma?”
 
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Tags: Bob Sullivan's top ten everything, ends & odd by Bob Sullivan
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Sometimes, a book comes along for review at just the right time. I Shouldn’t Be Telling You This: Success Secrets Every Gutsy Girl Should Know by Kate White comes along just as I am doing going through a bit of personal career evaluation, so there are definitely tips and tricks in this book I can use.

I like the structure of the book. It’s broken down in three chunks related to success: how to get it, how to go big with it, and how to savor it. Each chapter has bullet points, breaking down key concepts. Makes it a very fast read and easy to remember the most important bits of information, and there are plenty of important bits. As I’m considering what’s next for me in my career, contemplating job hunting for the first time in a decade or making a big change within my company, it’s helpful to think back and look at what I can do differently this time around. [Read more →]

Tags: books & writing, Lisa Reads by Lisa Hura
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It’s been a week since President Obama won re-election, and since then, Republicans, Democrats, and pundits alike have been trying to make sense of his surprisingly decisive victory. And even though the popular vote was close (50% – 48%), most experts see the President’s victory as an indictment on the Republican Party. [Read more →]

Tags: politics & government by Robert O'Hara
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I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:

Emperor’s Decree No. 87/8-P: The harmonica is hereby banned in the Empire. There shall be no more sonic poison vomited into sparkling guitar cocktails served by unwashed Dylan wannabes wearing neck-holders and moaning and spitting into cheap Hohners. The Emperor has decided that, artistically speaking, the harmonica is the proverbial fart in church; it is an Almond Joy bobbing in the public pool; the accidental, mid-wipe finger-punch through the toilet paper; the over-the-top scatological humor in the formal blog post; the plump and throbbing zit perched between the azure eyes of a beauty queen. The harmonica is a heinous-sounding buzz-saw backing a choir of angels. It adds about as much musicality to the average song as pants would add to the hydro-dynamics of a cruising Great White. (The only valid harmonica musician of all time is Toots Thielmans — he, alone, shall continue to be allowed to play, until such time as he may go up to the great Jam Session in the Sky.) Next week, all harmonicas shall be seized and destroyed in the Imperial Harmonica Smasher. (Yes, we built one. And, yes, it is as cool as it sounds.)

Everyone knows the definition of “perfect pitch” is when you throw a harmonica into a dumpster and it bounces off of a broken accordion. (Thank, yeeew – the Emperor’s here every week. Try the veal!)

The Punishment: Those caught with contraband harmonicas will be thrown into the smasher along with their offensive, metallic tooters — whose natural sounds will have been far more disturbing than the ensuing death screams of the besquished owners could ever be.

PS: John Popper is not a valid defense against this decree, so don’t try it. If anything, just bringing his name up will make the Emperor even more angry.

Now, go forth and obey.

The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning. 

Tags: music, The Emperor decrees by Chris Matarazzo
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I have always been a proponent of the use of instant replay in sports officiating. Since the technology exists, it would be a total waste to not take advantage of it in order to get more calls correct. Football is using it extensively, and baseball has been expanding its use over the last couple of years, with more sure to come. Game officials have a very difficult job, despite what you might hear from many fans. It is far easier to make a call when watching on television than to make it from field level at full speed. The thing I just don’t get is how the replay officials manage to get it wrong so often, as they have the advantage of technology that the officials on the field do not have. The two games that meant the most to me this weekend, Penn State against Nebraska and the Philadelphia Eagles against the Dallas Cowboys, each included a call that was massively botched by replay officials. [Read more →]

Tags: bad sports, good sports by Alan Spoll
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10. Being entombed for a week in a giant plastic coffin filled with lime Jello

9. Extricating himself from a pair of extra-tight skinny jeans

8. Being continually electrocuted by people rubbing their feet on shag carpeting

7. Eating a pound of cut-rate sushi, then riding a Tilt-A-Whirl for 10 hours

6. Being encased in a truckload of frozen Snicker bars

5. Surviving for 48 hour without food or water hanging above a downtown New York street, suspended only by his pubic hair

4. Breaking the Guinness World Record of “Most Successive Publicity Stunts”

3. Holding his breath until he literally turns blue

2. Levitating his pants

1. Watching every Adam Sandler movie ever made, without a break or taking any drugs
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Tags: art & entertainment, Bob Sullivan's top ten everything by Bob Sullivan
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The ancient world has left us with lots of mysteries that have been baffling mankind for millennia. Mysteries like the Great Pyramid of Giza, Stonehenge, the Crystal Skulls, the Nazca Lines, and many more. In addition, our history is filled with unanswered questions about who we are, what inspired the stories of our gods, what all this extra DNA is doing in our genes, and so on. What if I told you that all of these seemingly unrelated mysteries all share the exact same explanation—and that this explanation will completely change life on earth as we know it?  Oh, and the epiphany for this explanation hit me while I was watching a horror movie that came out earlier this year. This movie’s tagline was, “You think you know the story. Think again.” The same can be said of this edition of “Answers to Everything.” [Read more →]

Tags: movies, religion & philosophy by Marc Oromaner
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