The Emperor decrees that there shall be no more non-war war-tales

Posted on October 9th, 2012 by Chris Matarazzo

I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:

Emperor’s Decree No. 1942: The Emperor would like to point out that war stories are cool. War is not cool, but the tales of soldiers are fascinating, often heroic and often life-changing. He would also like to point out that everyday life is not war. Therefore, there shall be no more “war stories” told to people who are approaching various important stages of life that have been already experienced by the potential tale-tellers. For instance, it is no longer permissible to react to news of a dear friend’s pregnancy by saying: “Congratulations! Catch up on your sleep now. Hardy-har-har-har.” (We get it, war-hero. You have been through the Battle of the Bulging Diaper. Good job. How did you ever survive? So few have.) Likewise, no one may tell an engaged couple how hard the first year of marriage is or that the most difficult part of eternal commitment is getting used to each other’s bathroom habits. (You have not jumped through the ring of fire. You just lived. This does not make you Evel Knievel.)

The Punishment: Tellers of non-war war-tales shall be forced to parachute into a combat zone. This way, they’ll really have something to brag about, later. Hardy-har-har.

Now, go forth and obey.

The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning.

Author Bio
Latest Posts

Chris Matarazzo

Chris Matarazzo is a writer, composer, musician and teacher of literature and writing on the college and high school levels. His music can be heard on his recent release, Hats and Rabbits, which is currently available. Chris is also the composer of the score to the off-beat independent film Surrender Dorothy and he performs in the Philadelphia area with the King Richard Band. He's also a relatively prolific novelist, even if no one seems to care yet. His blog, also called Hats and Rabbits, is nice, too, if you get a chance...