My 90 Days, 90 Reasons submission
There is a website called 90 Days, 90 Reasons, which features powerful, persuasive essays by famous people, explaining why the current president, Barack Obama, should be re-elected. I was so moved by some of these essays, that I decided to compose a submission myself. Unfortunately, despite the fact that my Dark Knight Rises review got almost 60 Facebook likes, I am apparently not famous enough to be included. This, despite the fact that my essay is as persuasive and powerful and whatever the opposite of cynical is as any of the essays that have been published so far.
Despite the lack of interest, I feel it would be a disservice to the world to not post my essay somewhere, so I’m posting it here. I hope it persuades you to do the right thing.
Reason #1: Tee Are You Ess Tee
The reason that you should vote for Barack Obama for reelection can be boiled down to one word: I trust Barack Obama. And where our government is concerned, there is nothing more important than trust. Obama understands this. That is why he has worked hard to earn our trust, and he hasn’t stopped earning that trust.
When I think about Mitt Romney becoming president, I shudder. I shudder in the same way that I shuddered when I thought about John McCain becoming president. We need someone that we can trust. Barack Obama is that person.
During the reign of Obama’s predecessor, Bush 43, we were given endless war for oil and empire, an escalated drug war, the PATRIOT Act, a president who ruled by edict and without Congressional consent, limits on choice, rising health care costs, exploding national debt, government deals for politically-connected corporations, bank bailouts, and unprecedented government secrecy.
Now, under Obama, we have a president we can trust.
Trust: No one else can be trusted to make the tough decisions about which Muslims should be killed, and which should be spared. Try to imagine Mitt Romney with a “Kill List.” It’s inconceivable.
Trust: It was Barack Obama who ended the war in Iraq, and brought all of our soldiers home, except for the couple ten thousand or so that are guarding our embassy there.
Trust: I didn’t realize just how necessary the PATRIOT Act really was, until someone I trust signed its extension. I didn’t realize that the entire planet was a war zone, including the Red Lobster that I never go to anyway on the other side of town, until someone I trust signed the NDAA.
Trust: Only a president we can trust should have the power to send planes into Middle Eastern countries and bomb the shit out of them, without having to get approval from a perpetually-gridlocked Congress.
Trust: If I’d had my way, Gitmo would have been closed a long time ago. Luckily I wasn’t elected to anything, and we have a president I can trust.
Trust: Before we had a president I can trust, I believed that medical marijuana should be legal. Now, I am glad that we have a president I can trust who will send federal agents to arrest those who use it in states that have dangerously decided to thwart federal law and “legalize” it themselves.
Trust: Barack Obama believes in a woman’s right to choose. Unless that woman is sick from cancer and chooses to use marijuana, in which case the president I trust knows that that woman’s “choice” is undermining the government (see above).
Trust: Barack Obama believes that everyone, even the rich, should pay their fair share. I trust Barack Obama to decide just how much our fair share is.
Trust: Mitt Romney would give government kickbacks and loans to his corporate friends. I trust Barack Obama to decide which businesses need help from the government to survive.
Trust: Barack Obama’s predecessor put our entire social safety net at risk by building up an unsustainable national debt. Barack Obama understands the importance of ensuring that everyone should buy health insurance.
Trust: If it weren’t for Barack Obama, millions of automobile manufacturing jobs would have been lost, and unemployment might have gone up to the highest levels since the Great Depression. Mitt Romney probably would have spent all his time washing his magic underwear to do anything about that.
Trust: Barack Obama knows that global warming is real, and if we don’t do something about it, millions of people will die in agony, especially people in third-world countries. Mitt Romney would just stand by and do nothing while the whole world collapsed into chaos, and might start killing the wrong Muslims.
Trust: Mitt Romney believes that it’s everybody for himself. Barack Obama understands that only by working together can we attain all of his lofty goals.
Trust: There are only two choices in this election. Barack Obama and Mitt Romney. Sure, you could throw your vote away on a “third party,” but that’s just stupid. To throw your vote away on someone who has absolutely no chance of winning just to make some moral point. So you have to decide: Do you vote for someone who has already earned your trust, or do you vote for someone who will return us to the policies of George W. Bush?
We the people are the lucky cogs in this great Wheel of Trust, and we can perform our cog duties secure in the knowledge that we perform them in the service of someone that we can trust. To do anything less would be a betrayal of trust.
Tee Are You Ess Tee. Trust.
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HAH! Fantastic. Truly.
How do I “like” this post a thousand-trillion times?