The Emperor decrees that cereal box bags will, henceforth, open easily and neatly
I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:
Emperor’s Decree No. 90006: The Emperor is a regular Joe. Of a fine morning, he likes to munch a nice bowl of cereal. Sadly, though, he has often, of late, had his day start on a note of rage. This is because he has, more than occasionally, encountered an inner cereal bag that either a) a silverback gorilla on performance-enhancing drugs could not open or b) that opens easily… by ripping down the side or fraying into seven thousand jagged strips — cereal flying all about the Royal Kitchen — and dooming the contents to stale squishiness in the space of a few days. The Emperor knows that this is a recent phenomenon: as a child, he opened his own cereal boxes on a regular basis, without one single calamity. Something is awry with quality-control in the cereal packaging field. This will cease: effective, now. And if the Emperor’s Froot Loops ever again sail in multi-colored geysers past the sunrise windows of the Imperial palace, a certain toucan might have to be made an example of.
The Punishment: Responsible parties will be placed in a cage with a trained silverback gorilla (named “Otto”) who will attempt to “open” them by pulling outward, in opposite directions, while gripping their ears.
The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning.
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