The Emperor decrees that children shall no longer be praised for ridiculous reasons

The Emperor decrees that children shall no longer be praised for ridiculous reasons

Posted on May 8th, 2012 by Chris Matarazzo

I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result. Hence, my decree:

Emperor’s Decree No. 3487: Henceforth, parents and coaches are no longer allowed — either enthusiastically or casually — to say “Good eye!” when a child leaps out of the batter’s box in order to escape the spiteful hiss of a four-seam fastball rocketing toward the bridge of his nose. One might as well compliment a person for giggling upon being tickled on the foot with a feather: “Good laugh! Well done!” [clap…clap…]. The Emperor has serious problems with anything that contributes to the creation of vapid mediocrities among his youngest subjects. He wishes, some day, to be able to stop writing these decrees and that will never happen if parents and coaches continue to produce knuckle-dragging foot-lickers who crave praise for instinctually diving to the ground in order to avoid having their frontal lobe impaled by a Rawlings-propelled septum.

The Punishment: Violators will be doused in a delicious garlic and herb sauce and dropped onto an island inhabited by cannibals (where they will quickly learn that the phrase “Good eye!” has quite a different, and rather intensely literal, meaning).

Now: Go forth and obey.

The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday.

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Chris Matarazzo

Chris Matarazzo is a writer, composer, musician and teacher of literature and writing on the college and high school levels. His music can be heard on his recent release, Hats and Rabbits, which is currently available. Chris is also the composer of the score to the off-beat independent film Surrender Dorothy and he performs in the Philadelphia area with the King Richard Band. He's also a relatively prolific novelist, even if no one seems to care yet. His blog, also called Hats and Rabbits, is nice, too, if you get a chance...