NFL quarterback/total cutie pie Tom Brady has seen his wife Gisele take some heat for suggesting his teammates failed him and, in the process, cost her husband a fourth Super Bowl ring; some have even termed her New England’s own Yoko Ono. While this is an intriguing analogy, as it suggests Tom is about to take football in strange, experimental directions (“What if instead of passing the ball…the ball passed me?”), it’s also deeply unfair to Gisele, who’s leggier than Yoko ever was. Additionally, Gisele could never break up the Beatles: she is the Beatles.

It’s true. When John met Yoko, she didn’t go, “You’re in the Beatles? How nice! I too am in a band, only my group is better known than yours and sells considerably more records!” The former Ms. Bundchen makes more money than her husband ($45 million to his mere thirty-one in the last Forbes celeb rankings) and is undeniably more famous (if I say “Gisele” you know exactly who I mean; when I call out, “Tom!” it could be anyone from “Sawyer” to “Cruise” to “Uncle”) (in my case, it’s Berenger — Shoot to Kill forever, baby). Granted, Tom is taller than Gisele (6’4” to 5’11”)…but when she’s in heels, it’s too close for comfort. In this relationship, Gisele is clearly the musician from Liverpool and Tom is an unknown Japanese conceptual artist.

Accordingly, it’s time we treat Gisele with the respect she deserves. This is a super model, people. Do you know what that is? It’s like a regular model…only super. They ruled the Earth during the 80s and 90s, when they engaged in behavior including throwing phones at people (Naomi Campbell), using cocaine (Naomi Campbell), throwing phones at people (Naomi Campbell), having a chance to get engaged to a member of U2 and inexplicably choosing the bassist (Naomi Campbell), throwing phones at people (Naomi Campbell), and, perhaps most shockingly, throwing a person at a phone (do you need to ask?). Sadly, time has thinned our herd of super models as they got married and had babies and started eating normal-sized meals. Now we’re down to a single one…and we can’t let her angrily swig her bottled water as she leaves her Super Bowl luxury box in peace?

Shame on us.

And not just shame on us, but shame on God. Because as we all know, Gisele not only prayed for Tom to win the Super Bowl, but emailed everyone else she knew to pray for him too and then further shared this prayer request by having it leaked to the New York Post so they could plaster it on the front page in an attempt to ensure a maximum amount of religious devotion. Yet her one simple hope — that her husband who is almost as rich as she is and slightly taller could receive just one tiny Super Bowl ring to go with the three he already owns — was somehow lost in the backlog of other pleadings with the Almighty. And thus this skinny, skinny woman with unusually large natural breasts that remain surprisingly perky even after giving birth to beautiful child was forced to turn to the heavens and cry, “WHY HAST THOU FORSAKEN ME!?!”

But here’s where some of the blame goes to Gisele. Because she recognized the inherent flaw in the Patriots this season: they have an offense that calls for Tom to throw the ball…but doesn’t allow for him to catch it as well. As a result of this defect, he must rely on other people with hair not nearly so easy to style as his to score touchdowns. These lesser beings — commonly known as “receivers” — have to do nothing more than catch a football and then withstand a bone-shattering tackle from between one and eleven defenders.

Yet they failed at even this simple task as many as three times in a single game.

The key to winning another title is clear: Tom Brady must acquire the ability to throw the ball to himself.

Sometime soon, Gisele has to get down on her knees (and send an email to everyone else in her inner-circle to get down on theirs as well) and offer this simple-yet-specific prayer:

“Lord, please give my husband super powers to both [expletive] throw the ball and catch the ball so he may win a Super Bowl for the fourth time.”

And here’s where the rest of us come in: until this occurs, we need to stop praying. You’re worried about those blood test results? Let it go until Tom wins another Super Bowl. You’re concerned about your child shipping out to serve a final tour in Afghanistan? Keep it to yourself until Tom gets ring quattro. The monsoon has reached your village and you won’t be able to keep your head above the flood waters much longer? DAMMIT, people, how is the Lord supposed to answer Gisele’s prayers if you keep distracting Him with your crap?

Everyone, take the pledge now: until the incredibly beautiful and rich Gisele gets that Super Bowl ring for nearly as beautiful and rich and slightly taller Tom Terrific, we give God a break so He can concentrate.

Ideally this will happen next season, so we’ll only have to give up Our Savior for a year, and when we get Him back it’ll be all the sweeter, knowing we helped restore the faith of a towering Brazilian of German descent.

But if at that point Gisele tries to pray for another Brady Super Bowl ring (or a Super Bowl MVP even), may Our Lord unleash His Wrath on her like Naomi Campbell taking down a personal assistant, because that’s just greedy.

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