Future editorial: Let not the reactionaries prevent passage of the Human Enhancement Act

Future editorial: Let not the reactionaries prevent passage of the Human Enhancement Act

Posted on January 5th, 2012 by Ricky Sprague

FUTURE EDITORIAL: LET NOT THE REACTIONARIES PREVENT PASSAGE OF THE HUMAN ENHANCEMENT ACT

By Thomauridas Krugolliniedowdfried

For all the overhot rhetoric flourish coming from certain counterfeit parties, this Thomauridas Krugolliniedowdfried will show that the Human Enhancement Act recently proposed by SenReps Chuck Schumer-4 of MicroSoft, and John McCain-PrimeBeta of Atlanta Braves is actually a quite modest plan whose benefits would be felt by everyone in the 34 Congloms, and around the world.

Please let this Thomauridas Krugolliniedowdfried spell this out for you in this New Bloomberg Telemex Times editorial: Our Conglomeration of States has struggled with an epidemic of obesity, and other preventable behavioral-based diseases. Our ruling class politicians and other moral and spiritual leaders have long been sounding the alarm over the fact that this is a national security issue, as the bodies that citizens often selfishly believe belong only to themselves are being abused to the point that they are often of no use to our national decision-makers.

This Thomauridas Krugolliniedowdfried notes that the SenReps who guide us have passed laws limiting the portion sizes served in restaurants. They have outlawed buffets. The HealthNet has issued strict guidelines for how much we can eat. The States have deployed drones to monitor and correct our often errant behavior.

This Thomauridas Krugolliniedowdfried was heartened when the SuperCourt ruled, in Hometown Buffet V. Conglomeration of States, that the ConReps had the legal authority to ignore the “constitution,” when issuing their laws that pertained to the health and safety of citizens, and could invoke the “commerce clause” to justify anything and everything else they did. This has empowered our SenReps to help us make more sensible choices about the bodies we caretake for the Conglomeration of States.

Yet this Thomauridas Krugolliniedowdfried is sad to note that these laws are failing our conglom. After all, when this Thomauridas Krugolliniedowdfried ambulates down the boulevard, shim’s eyes are met by images of citizens with disappointing bodies that make this Thomauridas Krugolliniedowdfried fear for the future of the Conglom.

**This Thomauridas Krugolliniedowdfried wants you to be on the lookout for the new action thriller “Kill Choice.” “Kill Choice” stars Apple Ubisoft Paltrow as Nightingale, a young shim hunted by a multinational corporate conspiracy that will stop at nothing to kill shim. Paltrow gives a typical standout performance, ably abetted by supporting perfs Tom ESPN Hanks IV, and Jada-Will Smith HSBC. “Kill Choice” opens on Implant and Payper Vu this Time-Warner Day, and this Thomauridas Krugolliniedowdfried says it is a 4Star Knockout. This editorial interlude mini-review paid for by MSNBCFox Studios, who approve this message.**

This Thomauridas Krugolliniedowdfried sees all around shim people who still bemouth BigFat. People still BigCig, and Imbibe. People still Heroin. To be sure, some corporations have gone to great lengths to ensure enhanced addictive qualities of their products by manufacturing the products that were bad for citizens to be more delicious and appealing than healthy products. This created an intolerable death spiral, as citizens, who are often unable to overcome their own weaknesses and forget their duty to the rest of the Conglom, were left helpless to make the choices that we all knew we should in order to better maintain our health.

Now, thanks to improvements in health technology, we can provide biological incentives to people who in the past might have had to live with the helpless addiction to fatty foods, and therefore burden themselves and the rest of us with their dishealth.

The Human Enhancement Act would provide a sensible roadmap by which a new office of Human Enhancement would allow for the modification of citizens so that they would no longer be burdened by having to choose between what they want, and what they really need; it would make them realize that what they want *is* what they need. This modification would take place in the womb, before a citizen was even born.

Imagine a world in which citizens of the Conglom could be born free of the desire for those things which will harm them. Cravings for BigFat and BigChoc would be replaced by cravings for PeriSweet Paste, the Conglom’s own nutritionally-sound nourishing glomp. Now imagine not having to imagine such a world, because it has been legislated into existence. Only cret-holes could mount opposition to such a thing.

Yet opposition there has been, this Thomauridas Krugolliniedowdfried notes. The OurBods, who operate under the misapprehension that healthful biological improvements are wrong, claim that a fetus cannot give consent to have shim’s body “altered.” They claim this is sinister.

In fact, this Thomauridas Krugolliniedowdfried notes that it is the OurBods themselves who are sinister. It is they who want to continue to inhabit a world in which our Almighty Presarch cannot fight the wars he declares, because not enough of us are healthy enough to be conscripted into the Mildustry.

The reader will remember, because this Thomauridas Krugolliniedowdfried will remind shim, that these were the same people who opposed the implants that allow the Conglom government to monitor citizens’ daily caloric intake, and induce nausea once their quota’s been filled. Clearly, these people have an agenda. This Thomauridas Krugolliniedowdfried wonders who is funding them?

**If you’re in the New Bloomberg area and looking for something to eat, this Thomauridas Krugolliniedowdfried recommends you try La Graisse Gras Matière for the finest in HauteCuisine Français. This Thomauridas Krugolliniedowdfried was particularly impressed with the Foie Gras in Hollandaise with Brie de Meaux. A 5Star dining experience. This editorial interlude mini-review paid for by La Graisse Gras Matière [at the corner of Broadway and Disney], who approves this message.**

Then there is the health industrial complex. They claim that the technology mentioned in the legislation doesn’t yet exist. They claim that the research required to create such technology would cost them billions that they don’t have. This Thomauridas Krugolliniedowdfried believes that this is just another way for them to say that profits mean to them than the citizens they are supposed to serve.

But this Thomauridas Krugolliniedowdfried notes that the Human Enhancement Act would not take effect for two years, giving the HealthCorps more than enough time to create the technology required by the legislation.

This Thomauridas Krugolliniedowdfried notes that Our Conglomeration of States is at a crossroads. One fork in the stream leads to death and destruction of our entire way of life. The other will lead us to an unprecedented age of health and prosperity. Let us be healthful and prosperous; let not the reactionaries win.

This Thomauridas Krugolliniedowdfried was created from the DNA of past New Bloomberg Telemex Times editorial writers. Shim’s column appears every Trump Day and GE Day.

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Ricky Sprague

Ricky Sprague occasionally writes and/or draws things. He sometimes animates things. He has a Twitter account and he has a blog. He scripted this graphic novel about Kolchak The Night Stalker. He is really, really good at putting links in bios.