The inevitable, impending tragedy of the asparagus pee crisis that will claim our children if we don’t do something about it now
INTELLIGENCE ALERT
PINKARSKY COUNTY SHERIFF’S DEPARTMENT
The Pinkarsky County Sheriff’s Department was recently made aware of a potentially dangerous threat to our children, in the form of music that mimics the feeling of euphoria that comes from taking drugs. Sheriff’s Department officials would like to warn parents about this troubling development, and encourages all parents to be vigilant and make sure and monitor any music that your children listen to, to ensure that they’re not “getting high” off it.
“Of course, we’re concerned about what the children of Pinkarsky County are listening to,” said Sheriff Waldo Heiny, at a press conference called specifically to announce this troubling development. “We want to make sure that the parents, who already have their hands full with their jobs, or unemployment worries, or whatever, understand that the Sheriff’s Department will do everything it can to help them to deal with this dangerous threat targeting our youth, by making random stops of children who exhibit odd behavior in public, and by making random searches of the CD and MP3 collections of the county’s children.”
The Sheriff added that the silence from some neighboring counties on this potentially devastating problem has been deafening.
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
DONAR COUNTY SHERIFF’S DEPARTMENT
The Sheriff’s Department of Donar County recently learned that some parents had become alarmed by the idea that some kids might be trying to get high by listening to music. Donar County Sheriff Whitty Crain wishes to assure parents that there is little threat of children getting high from music. The real threat is from girls dipping their tampons in vodka, and then putting the tampons in their vaginas, where the vodka is absorbed through the soft, tender tissue of the girl’s vagina.
“Girls, teenage girls, have these really soft, tender vaginas,” said Sheriff Whitty Crain, of Donar County, during a press conference. “It makes it especially easy for them to get drunk by absorbing vodka through their vaginas, so parents need to be especially vigilant about this potential crisis situation.”
The Sheriff suggested that parents check their daughters’ vaginas for the odor of vodka, but he added, “We in the Donar County Sheriff’s Department won’t leave parents to deal with this potentially deadly situation on their own. We’ll have deputies stopping girls on the streets who exhibit unusual behavior and making random vagina checks, sniffing their vaginas for vodka.”
The Sheriff explained that unusual behavior could consist of anything from laughing in public, to crying in public, and anything in between.
“The important thing is that we keep our children safe by checking their vaginas,” Sheriff Whitty Crain added. “And of course we need to show that Donar County keeps things in perspective, and we don’t get all worked up about phoney stuff like some other neighboring counties I could name, but I won’t.”
INTELLIGENCE ALERT
PINKARSKY COUNTY SHERIFF’S DEPARTMENT
The Pinkarsky County Sheriff’s Department has received a number of inquiries regarding the potential of teenage girls to become intoxicated by dipping their tampons in vodka, and then inserting the tampons into their vaginas, where the vodka is then absorbed by the tissue in the vagina. The Department would like to assure Pinkarsky County citizens that it is doing everything it can to check the vaginas of its teenage residents.
At a press conference, Sheriff Waldo Heiny stated emphatically that he was personally instituting a new vagina-sniffing protocol to ensure an orderly standard of teenage vagina sniffing. But he also stated the importance of pro-action in the fight to keep our county’s residents safe.
“To be honest, some counties have been caught flat-footed by some of these crises that we’ve been dealing with,” Sheriff Waldo Heiny explained. “Who saw the meth crisis coming? Who saw the Four Loko crisis? Who saw the candy with names that kind of sound like marijuana crisis? While some counties I could name but won’t are just sitting around scouring the internet looking for epidemics, we here in Pinkarsky county are actually trying to identify potential epidemics before they start, so we can nip them in the bud!”
Sheriff Waldo Heiny added that the night before he and his family had eaten asparagus for dinner. “Now, my wife doesn’t usually make us asparagus,” the Sheriff said. “But she did last night, because it was on sale at the Sav-A-Way. I think it was about two dollars a pound. Anyway, the asparagus was all right — she fixed it using a recipe she’d found on the internet. So we all ate it.
“Well, that night I went to the bathroom and peed, and I noticed that my pee smelled really funny. It had a more earthy and interesting odor than usual.” The Sheriff explained that because of all the teenage girl vaginas he’d been smelling lately, he had come to consider himself to be something of an expert on the odors of urine.
The Sheriff continued: “I didn’t really think too much of it until later that night, we were putting the kids to bed, and no one could find our son. It turns out, he was in the bathroom, with his head over the toilet bowl, sniffing the asparagus pee water. I hardly recognized him — it was like he couldn’t help himself.”
Sheriff Waldo Heiny warned residents that they should be aware of the potentially addictive qualities of asparagus pee odor. “My son even said that he wanted to pee in a bag so that he could keep the pee with him and sniff it whenever he wanted. Now, my son is sort of retarded, so if he could come up with an idea like huffing a bag of asparagus pee, imagine what ideas a smarter kid might come up with, to get his asparagus pee fix.”
The Sheriff added that he is working with local stores that sell asparagus, to help them to come up with voluntary protocols for the sale of asparagus, and warning signage that they can post on the potential dangers of asparagus pee sniffing. “This is a lot more than some neighboring counties are doing,” he concluded.
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
DONAR COUNTY SHERIFF’S DEPARTMENT
The Donar County Sheriff’s Department would like to warn parents of a potentially devastating epidemic that is afflicting one neighboring county, and could potentially spread here.
At a press conference this morning, Sheriff Whitty Crain sounded the warning alarm. “This is an addiction that strikes regardless of race or ethnic background, or skin color. It doesn’t care if you’re some poor slob who only has enough money to shop at the Sav-A-Way, or if you’ve got a little more money and a lot better taste and you shop at the Super Pic-A-Lot. Our children are at risk, and the time to think is past, and the time to act is now!”
Sheriff Whitty Crain said that the trend of asparagus pee huffing, which he said that some children might start calling “Aspeeing,” for short, would be devastating to Donar County, if it is allowed to spread unchecked. “We all know how these epidemics go,” the Sheriff said. “At first it’s just an addiction, then pretty soon people are dying left and right.”
The Sheriff added that unlike some counties where they are taking a more “casual approach” to the crisis of Aspeeing, in Donar County they were going into full crisis mode, to stop this potential crisis before it starts. “I am happy to report that the town council all got together and voted on a resolution requiring all stores in Donar County to get identification from anyone buying asparagus. No one under the age of 21 will be able to make these purchases, and no one will be able to buy more than a pound and a half of asparagus at one time.” The city council agreed that a pound and a half of asparagus seemed reasonable to them. “I don’t understand why anyone would need to buy any more than that,” the Sheriff said. “Unless they’re trying to get their Aspeeing fix.”
The Sheriff’s Department is also announcing a special Aspeeing Task Force, the duties of which will include monitoring the internet for asparagus recipes. “A lot of these websites try to entice young people by making asparagus look appetizing. And it is, don’t get me wrong. But these kids eat too much of it so that their pee smells really earthy and interesting, then they pee in a bag and keep the bag with them all day, and all they can think about it sniffing their pee bag, and soon they’ve dropped out of school and they’re dying on the streets because we didn’t do anything to stop this before it started.”
Sheriff Whitty Crain added that he has instructed deputies to make random raids on homes where asparagus has been purchased, or those homes where someone has accessed Barefoot Contessa‘s website. “We’re working with Simons Cable to get IP information, or whatever,” he added.
“The best way we can protect our children is by raiding peoples’ homes, handcuffing them, shooting their dogs if they get in our way, and ransacking their homes looking for asparagus,” the Sheriff concluded.
The Donar County Sheriff’s Department wonders if some neighboring counties care even a little bit about their residents, that they’re not willing to take these simple steps to combat what is a growing crisis.
INTELLIGENCE ALERT
PINKARSKY COUNTY SHERIFF’S DEPARTMENT
The Pinkarsky County Sheriff’s Department is pleased to announce that it is taking further steps to ensure the safety of its residents in the wake of the Aspeeing epidemic that has swept across at least two counties, and now threatens the entire state.
Sheriff Waldo Heiny, of Pinkarsky County, held a press conference at which he displayed a table of asparagus that had been confiscated from the back of the Sav-A-Way on Kitchen Truck Road. “This is what we’re dealing with, people,” he said, as cameras flashed. “It looks innocuous, but to potentially millions of people, this asparagus has the potential to ruin countless lives, kill potentially millions of innocent people, and leave potentially millions of children as orphans.”
The Sheriff’s Department has engaged in 38 asparagus raids in the two days since the Aspeeing Epidemic was first recognized. There have been 54 arrests. “Technically, these people haven’t violated any laws, because the law is working too slow to keep up with this potentially devastating crisis,” the Sheriff said. “But we’re working with our state legislator, Doug ‘Big Bud’ Hightone, to get an emergency bill introduced to ban the sale of asparagus in the state.”
In the meantime, the Pinkarsky Sheriff’s Department has unveiled it’s latest weapon in the war against Aspeeing, a rocket propelled grenade launcher, which will be used to take down airplanes or trucks that attempt to bring asparagus into Pinkarsky County. “As of now, we are an asparagus-free county,” the Sheriff declared. “Because we care about our residents, and want to ensure their safety.” Sheriff Waldo Heiny added that that the rocket propelled grenade launcher was being used in conjunction with the county’s other high-tech weapons, including four armored vehicles, 450 AK-47s, and body armor. “This is a war,” the Sheriff said. “We are dealing with a relentless enemy that is targeting our children. We will spare no expense in protecting those children.”
“Top that,” Sheriff Waldo Heiny concluded, in a jab which was aimed squarely at the sheriff’s department of a neighboring county.
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
DONAR COUNTY SHERIFF’S DEPARTMENT
In a series of well-coordinated, daring midnight raids, the Donar County Sheriff’s Department confiscated more than twelve pounds of asparagus, which many fear is being used in a potentially deadly practice known as “Aspeeing,” in which victims become addicted to the earthy and interesting smell of asparagus pee. Among those places raided were the Super Pic-A-Lot on Greasy Hollow, and the home of Charles and Marie Mileton, of 1298 Follow Rooster Lane, near stop 238.
“It was a successful mission,” Sheriff Whitty Crain said. “We definitely sent a message, that Donar County will not tolerate the targeting of its most vulnerable residents in this insidious manner.”
Following the raid on their home, Charles and Marie Mileton were taken to County General hospital, where they were treated for multiple gunshot wounds before passing away. Sheriff Whitty Crain noted that while the deaths of the Miletons were tragic, they were an unavoidable consequence of dealing with the Aspeeing Epidemic.
“Aspeeing doesn’t care who it targets,” the Sheriff said. “Tonight’s battle was a victory, a small one, but the war will no doubt rage indefinitely. In fact, we’re already making plans for a long-term war.” The Sheriff added that during the raid the Miletons exhibited suspicious behavior when they accused deputies of violating their “fourth amendment rights.” These accusations made the deputies participating in the raid feel threatened, because asserting “fourth amendment rights” is typical criminal behavior.
Sheriff Whitty Crain went on to add that he was alarmed by what he saw as another potentially devastating crisis on the horizon. “It occurred to me while I was coordinating tonight’s missions: If people are now peeing into bags and huffing them, what’s to stop them from pooing into bags, and huffing that? That’s why this morning I am pleased to announce the formation of a brand new anti-Dooking task force, to help us coordinate our efforts in combating what has the potential to be a devastating new addiction for our children.”
The Sheriff had to cut the press conference short, as there were rumors that a small passenger plane carrying asparagus had entered Donar County airspace. “We will be taking that plane down with one of our Stinger missiles,” the Sheriff said, exiting the conference room. Later, after the passenger plane had been taken down, he winked at Channel 7’s camera and said, “Check, and mate,” in a comment apparently directed at a certain neighboring county’s sheriff’s department.
INTELLIGENCE ALERT
PINKARSKY COUNTY SHERIFF’S DEPARTMENT
The Pinkarsky County Sheriff’s Department, in response to the recently uncovered Dooking Epidemic, is pleased to announce that it will be conducting random bathroom raids to ensure that people are defecating into their toilets, like they’re supposed to, and not defecating into bags and then huffing it, which is potentially dangerous and addictive.
“If these raids find evidence of even one person even thinking about Dooking, it will all be worth it,” Sheriff Waldo Heiny said. He added that parents can help the Sheriff’s Department by talking to their kids about the dangers of Dooking.
“What we found with Aspeeing is that the epidemic came upon us so fast that most kids hadn’t even heard of it, and didn’t even know about the danger they were in,” the Sheriff explained. “Now, we’re asking parents to help us spread the word about Dooking, and the process by which a person first defecates, or poops, into a bag, then places the open end of the bag up to their face and firmly closes the end of the bag around their mouth and nose (creating as air-tight a seal as possible), and then inhales deeply the aroma of feces (poop).”
The Sheriff added that parents should be on the lookout for suspicious behavior from their children while discussing these dangers with them. For instance, if a child claims never to have heard of Dooking, the Sheriff’s Department should be immediately contacted so that a raid can be coordinated. “Claiming to have never heard of Dooking is a defensive move common among Dookers,” the Sheriff said. Other suspicious behavior among Dookers includes having no interest in the subject of Dooking, asking too many questions about Dooking, or not asking enough questions about Dooking.
“To be safe, we’re planning on raiding the homes of all Pinkarsky County residents,” Sheriff Waldo Heiny said. “We’re just gassing up our armored vehicles, and then we should be ready to go.” He then added that he didn’t care what other, neighboring counties did, all the cared about was protecting his own residents.
DEA INTELLIGENCE ALERT – FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
The Drug Enforcement Agency is issuing a bulletin for all domestic police agencies. Over the past week, the Agency has become aware of two separate addiction epidemics, Aspeeing, and Dooking, which have devastated two small counties in America’s heartland. Thus far, more than 784 people have been killed, as law enforcement agencies in those communities have struggled to fight these addictions that are targeting our nation’s weakest people.
The DEA wishes to assure residents all over the world that it will spare no expense in fighting these scourges. It is pleased to announce that it is currently working with Senator Chuck Schumer to craft legislation that will empower federal law enforcement agencies to direct all necessary resources to fighting these two potentially devastating epidemics. “I see this as a real opportunity for us to get out in front of what has the potential to be a serious epidemic,” Senator Schumer said.
The DEA would further like to thank Sheriff Waldo Heiny of Pinkarsky County for bringing these epidemics to its attention.
FROM THE DONAR COUNTY EXAMINER
SHERIFF WHITTY CRAIN ARRESTED ON SUSPICION OF MURDER
Sheriff Whitty Crain has been arrested on suspicion of murdering Pinkarsky County Sheriff Waldo Heiny yesterday. Witnesses claim that Sheriff Crain was jealous that Sheriff Heiny had been mentioned in a press release from the Drug Enforcement Agency while he had not.
“This is a real tragedy,” said city councilwoman Irma Davois. “The Sheriff has been a tireless crusader for law and order, especially lately as he’s been out in front of two potentially devastating addiction epidemics — protecting our children from Dooking and Aspeeing. To see him facing these charges is a real blow.”
The body of Sheriff Waldo Heiny was found last night in own home. He’d apparently been shot with an AK-47, and his body squashed flat by an armored vehicle. Unconfirmed reports suggest that the words “I’M DOING MORE TO PROTECT THE PEOPLE IN MY COUNTY THAN YOU EVER DID IN YOURS, YOU STUPID JERK!” were found carved into his chest in tiny little letters, in handwriting similar to that of Sheriff Whitty Crain.
“He did have really distinctive handwriting,” said an unnamed source in the Donar County Sheriff’s Department.
Although charges are pending, Sheriff Whitty Crain has said he has no intention of resigning as sheriff. “There is still much that needs to be done to protect our residents. These charges are proof that I’ve been too effective. They’re all afraid of me, and how I’m protecting the people in my county! I can do it from jail!”
The Sheriff then began laughing maniacally and said that he was creating a task force to combat a new crisis he’d just heard about or thought might attack his county, this one in which people pee and poop on tampons, and then put them in their vaginas while listening to addictive music that comes from listening to pee and poop in a bag. He then added cryptically that, “No one wants to return to a time when just anyone could buy all the cold medicine they want without showing an ID, do they? Do they? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
The Sheriff’s lawyer, Manny Simon, noted that Sheriff Whitty Crain still has the community’s full support. “No one has done more to help this community through two recent crises, and everyone knows that.” He cited the fact that the Shriner’s of Columbus had not changed its plans to give Sheriff Whitty Crain its “Man of the Year” award next Saturday.
“He’s been a pillar of the community,” Simon said. “Unlike the sheriffs of some neighboring counties.”
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