So it’s that time of year again.  The leaves on some of the smaller plants are beginning to change colors, the nights are getting longer, and the summer heat is finally dissipating.  Football is on TV and on the mind of every old man down at the local coffee shop in the morning talking about his grandson.  My pumpkin patch has already produced ripe fruit.  Fall is certainly right around the corner.

It’s time to start thinking about what you’re going to wear for Halloween.

Here are a couple of “common sense” ground rules for the selection of a perfect Halloween costume, as gleaned from my many years working as a bartender and bouncer:

1.  There are ALWAYS too many sluts and hookers. 

I swear, Halloween is the day when half the women out there let their freak off its leash.  You’ll head to a Halloween party, and when you walk through the door, every where you look are women in scandalously skimpy costumes.  Nurses, cops, devils and angels, and not a single one of them catching less than an R-rating.  Skinny, average, minivan, it doesn’t matter what the girl looks like, she’s gonna be showin’ some clevege!

It’s so retarded!  An overwhelming amount, a distressing amount, of hookers doth not a party make.  No matter what Charlie Sheen says.

Random girl at the party:  Hey!  Any body wanna guess what I am?

Me:  A slut?

RG: <Gasp!>  Yes!  How did you know?

Me:  [facepalm] One. You are here.  Two.  Because I’m certain the Highway Patrol has regulations limiting an officer’s ability to show off that much butt floss to oncoming traffic during a routine stop.  It’s supposed to be a “string bikini”, not a “powerline cable bikini”.  Dear god, leave me alone.

Ladies, some of us enjoy meeting people who have the capacity for basic thought, someone with originality.  That thoughtless, default slut suit you fill out so nicely at 25 isn’t going to look nearly so sexy when you’re 60.  If you want to show off a little skin, try a freakin’ toga, something!, damn, you’re killin’ me with this nonsense.

Pick something else.  Sure, the girl with DDs exploding out of the top of her impossibly strained bodice will win the Best Costume award, but you’ll wake up tomorrow with your dignity and be able to sign into Facebook with pride.

Rule #2:  There is ALWAYS that one guy who has dressed up as a woman to the point where you begin to ask questions. 

As always, you don’t want to be that guy.  It’s always a good call to avoid crossdressing for Halloween.  None of your friends will harass you for going without a costume if you tell them the alternative was you dressed up as Helga, the Overly Endowed Viking Bar Wench (Try our new model!  NOW with Back Hair!).

Rule #3: Most of us do not need to DIY a costume.

If you could design and pattern attractive outfits, you’d have a rapper with your name in his name.  Since there is no McGowan Mane selling discs, it’s better to rent or buy a pre-made costume.  Leave that to the professionals.

And if you don’t have a lady friend willing to help you out, fellas, avoid make up at all costs.  You really don’t know what you’re doing.

It’s not really that expensive to get a costume off the Internet, less than you’re going to spend on drinks, probably.  Unless you’re going as The Great Trash Heap, it’s worth it to cough up the loot and get a good looking costume.  You’ll feel better about yourself, others will be more willing to talk to you, it’s a winner who’s time has come.

With all of that said, I’m thinking about being the world’s biggest Smurf.  Gargamel’s worst nightmare, a 6’3″, 300 lb Smurf.  Punt that cat halfway across the forest.  What are y’all thinking about?

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