When it started, it was perfect: the one thing Americans like more than a winner is alliteration. Since Tiger seemed to win every other tournament (and, even in defeat, drew more interest than all other golfers combined), it made sense to give fans checking golf highlights direct access to the only thing many of them gave a damn about: Eldrick Woods. Thus ESPN and the Golf Channel and Fox Sports and countless other sites added a Tiger Tracker (Sports Illustrated offers the clickable heading “Tiger Woods News”; way to keep it formal, guys), so you could instantly see how close the icon was to claiming another title. To all those responsible for this journalistic innovation, I make a plea: keep it going forever.

Granted, the Tiger Tracker no longer functions quite the way its creators intended. Tiger Woods hasn’t won a major since 2008. During his triumphant comeback to the PGA Championship after sitting out for months, he missed the cut entirely in a display of golf that at times reminded me a little of Happy Gilmore before Adam Sandler received all that expert coaching from Carl Weathers. Indeed, the news in general from Tiger Land has been a bit grim recently: he has lingering health problems, he’s still divorced, somehow he managed to start a public feud with his former caddie and lost. (No disrespect to Steve Williams and caddies in general, but I’ve not only managed to play 18 holes while carrying my own clubs, but have done so while drunk. If half your job duties can be handled by a cart, be grateful for whatever you get.)

All of this is probably making some editors think, “Considering Mr. Woods doesn’t play that often and when he does play he doesn’t win and he seems to spend much of his spare time making an ass of himself and not even in a fun ‘Here’s a photo of me after I ate 14 pounds of wings at Hooters during an alcoholic blackout!’ way like John Daly, maybe it’s time to give the Tiger Tracker a rest.”

Nonsense. The Tiger Tracker must remain and it must be focused on Tiger at all times. Oh sure, some might argue you could use it on golfers who still “win occasionally” but to that I say, You want a Phil Mickelson tracker? (“The Phil Follower”) Or a Lee Westwood tracker? (“The Westwood Watcher”) Or the Vijay Singh tracker? (“The Singh Stalker”) Tiger isn’t just the right choice; he’s the only one and will be so as long as he’s the sole PGA member who shares a name with a massive jungle cat.

(That said, a “Rory Recorder” following Northern Irish star Rory McIlroy does sound weirdly adorable. Note to Tiger’s dark overlord Nike: destroy the little man from County Down before it’s too late.)

(Also, parents, give your kids weird names. Would we talk about Kanye half as much if he went by Burt West? REM might still be as big as U2 if they were fronted by a Bono instead of a Michael. The beatings at school will be so worth it in the long run.)

As for the fact there’s now many a day of golfing when Tiger no longer participates either due to injury or elimination, that problem can be solved by just expanding the parameters of what a Tiger Tracker entails. For before, while the Tiger Tracker was used to monitor Tiger (often making him feel trapped and defensive, such as when on the 11th hole he matched to go in the bunker and the water), now it will be used for empowerment. A deal will be struck that, whenever Tiger isn’t playing top flight golf, he gets the chance to provide us an equivalent amount of entertainment value.

What kind of entertainment? Remember when Tiger did that cutesy thing where he kept bouncing the ball on his club? He’s bound to have worked up another routine by now! (Maybe while on a unicycle–we can dream, people.) He’ll delight us and seeing us delighted will delight him right back, so that in no time he’ll loosen up to the point he puts down the club completely and shows off all he has to offer as a complete human being, such as dating tips both for men (“Always open with a line that shows you have a social conscience, yet still like have to a good time. For instance: ‘Boy, overseeing a foundation to provide college access for underserved youth sure makes me horny!'”) and the ladies (“What man can resist those seven magic words: ‘I have first date anal with celebrities.'”)

Indeed, I have such hopes for the Tiger Tracker that I suggest we implement a second system: The Nicklaus Notator. This will be set up particularly for Tiger’s benefit, and it will allow him to constantly monitor the movements of Jack Nicklaus. He will get to see the Golden Bear polishing his trophies from 18 majors (Tiger can polish right along with him up to 14, then will have to watch Jack finish the last four), but also in quieter moments, like when Jack’s sitting with with his beloved first wife of 51 years or, cruelest blow of all to Tiger and his ever growing forehead, seeing as Jack runs his hands through what even at 71 remains a surprisingly lush mane of hair.

In time, with the restored love of the public and Jack’s example to guide him, Tiger will come to understand he has more to offer the world than golf and freaky no-strings sex and our seemingly arthritic duckling can at last grow into an only slightly hobbled swan.

And Tiger Tracker will no longer be monitoring a golfer (one who’s coming off a tie for 116th)…it will be following a man.

Either that or it’ll let us keep tabs on a self-absorbed douche as he gets old.

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