In addition to being an avid runner and a foodie, I spend a lot of my free time as an amateur archeologist. On a recent dig, I came across what is perhaps my most amazing find since the Neanderthal enemata: An ancient and very primitive type of “newspaper,” carved on a large piece of flat stone.

The stone contained a number of interesting “stories,” which I was able to translate due to my also being a skilled linguist well-versed in ancient languages. What follows is an item that I would classify as a very early “editorial.” As you’ll see, the caveman days weren’t as carefree and easy as we’ve been led to believe. In fact, there were many controversies raging:

Stop “a wheel” before make rolling move over children innocence

Telling by Foo Thik

Foo Thik hear about new create thing come from Tril Pop. Tril Pop create thing that shape in sort of circle way, with hole in middle. Make what call rolling move. Tril Pop call create thing a “wheel.”

Foo Thik not like this new thing call “a wheel.” Foo Thik worry about what “a wheel” do to our children. “A wheel” make caveman children less innocent.

First, “a wheel” move things. Children go lazy from not carry things. Children put thing on “a wheel,” and thing make rolling move while children go soft.

Second, “a wheel” make rolling move. What to stop “a wheel” once it get going in rolling move? At least, Foo Thik think all “a wheel” come equipped with device that make rolling move stop when children present.

Next thing after second, “a wheel” make rolling move for any caveman, no matter whom. That mean bad caveman use “a wheel” make rolling move. That mean that caveman who want hurt children in far away cave make rolling move, make more easy hurt children.

“A wheel” hurt children, Foo Thik says. This at time when caveman children under assault.

First, it was Stuckey new thing, call “a fire.” Make thing warm. Everyone caveman say “a fire” make warm. We love “a fire”! Only Foo Thik say “a fire” hurt children. Then “a fire” make burns to children. Now Foo Thik sorry he can say he right about “a fire.” “A fire” hurt children.

Second, it was Unk new thing, he call “sharpened tools.” Unk say “sharpened tools” make easy for food, and hunt animal. Everyone caveman say, “sharpened tools” make easy food! Hunt animal easy now, not go hungry as much. Not get eat caveman self by sabertooth tiger. Only Foo Thik say “sharpened tools” hurt children. They get cut on sharp edge. Bad caveman use to hurt children.

Now every year, lot of caveman children hurt by “sharpened tools” (not have number go high enough to count). Foo Thik sad he right about how bad “sharpened tools” was.

Next number after second, too easy get food from “sharpened tools.” Now caveman children getting fat.

Next number after second, Oop make new thing call “cave drawing.” Caveman entertain by “cave drawing.” Pretty picture, “cave drawing,” everyone say. Now, cave look prettier than before. Only Foo Thik say “cave drawing” dirty for cave children. “Cave drawing” show violence and sex. Today, cave children run around more depraved than when Foo Thik was caveman child. Because they look dirty “cave drawing.”

Now come along “a wheel.” We need make choice what kind of human caveman we want to be. We want to give in to base instinct, or we want help our children? It Foo Thik’s hope that cave people do to “a wheel” creator Tril Pop in cave 7 northwest what cave people do to creators of all other new things Foo Thik mention in this editorial: beat him to death with Foo Thik invention, “big, heavy club.”

Our caveman children count on us.

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Ricky Sprague

Ricky Sprague occasionally writes and/or draws things. He sometimes animates things. He has a Twitter account and he has a blog. He scripted this graphic novel about Kolchak The Night Stalker. He is really, really good at putting links in bios.

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