Tom Petty helps Michele Bachmann get elected president of the United States of America

Tom Petty helps Michele Bachmann get elected president of the United States of America

Posted on July 4th, 2011 by Ricky Sprague

When I heard that Tom Petty wanted Republican presidential candidate Michele Bachmann to stop using one of his songs at campaign rallies, my first thought was, “Didn’t former Democrat presidential nominee and all-around sleazy guy John Edwards use a Tom Petty song at his campaign rallies?”

Yes, he did.

Edwards speeches were filled with references to fighting corporations and American revolutionaries, often urging his listeners to rise up against special interests. Through 2007 and 2008, Tom Petty’s “I Won’t Back Down” could be heard in a repertoire of Edwards campaign songs that fit his themes and underlined his message. In gearing up for the New Hampshire primary in August 2007, for example, Edwards spoke in the town of Hookset. After the event, the campaign played “I Won’t Back Down” as Edwards shook hands of supporters on the way to boarding his “Fighting for One America” campaign bus.

If you follow the link above, you will also see that Petty actually performed the song “I Won’t Back Down” for Al Gore and his supporters, after Mr. Gore “backed down” from the 2000 presidential race. It was also used by former New York attorney general Eliot Spitzer, who has now fallen so low that he hosts a nightly program on CNN.

Anyway, having thus refreshed my memory, a second question naturally came to mind: “Why would TEA Party stalwart Michele Bachmann want to associate herself with Al Gore, Eliot Spitzer, and John Edwards in the minds of voters?” I tell you honestly, I will not vote for anyone who is in any way, even remotely associated with those people. In fact, I will not associate with anyone who has voted for any of those people, or who would even consider voting for any of those people. I would not associate with anyone who would even think of those people. If I could, I would stop associating with myself, because I actually thought about those people. Why can’t I go into a fugue state or something? I think it would be beneficial in a lot of ways.

So, at least to me, and to other high-minded individuals such as myself, Mr. Petty has done Ms. Bachmann a great service by asking her to cease and desist:

The Minnesota congresswoman played “American Girl” yesterday when she walked onstage at a rally, and Rolling Stone has confirmed reports that Petty’s management team immediately sent the Bachmann campaign a cease and desist letter.

In response Ms. Bachmann apparently played the song again, at another rally — or, at least 29 seconds of it. But they say that a woman decides in 30 seconds whether or not she’s going to sleep with you (in my case it might take a little longer, but I’m not very good at opening condom wrappers), and a voter usually takes at least that long to decide whether or not to vote for you, and if you’ve wasted your first 29 seconds reminding everyone of John Edwards, especially potential Republican voters, you have killed your chances of sleeping with any of them. Actually, I think I got my metaphors mixed up about halfway through that paragraph, but you get my meaning, which is this: When you think about it, Mr. Petty is actually trying to save Ms. Bachmann’s campaign from itself.

Not only that, but Ms. Bachmann chose Mr. Petty’s song “American Girl” for her rally. This is the song that Catherine Martin was singing along to on the radio in the movie “The Silence of the Lambs,” right before Buffalo Bill kidnapped her. As far as I’m concerned, this is no different than if Ms. Bachmann had walked on stage carrying a poodle and sing-songing into the microphone, “It rubs the lotion on it’s skin, or else it gets the hose again,” because that is what I associate with that song: Being kidnapped by a serial killer who is making a skin suit and lowering lotion to his victims who are stranded in the bottom of a hole.

The most terrifying scene in the film “The Silence of the Lambs” is the one in which Catherine Martin threatens the life of blameless Precious the Poodle.

Ms. Bachmann wants us to think of John Edwards, serial killers, and holes in the ground. The one mitigating factor in all this is that Buffalo Bill had a poodle, named Precious. If Ms. Bachmann wanted us to think of poodles, the most refined and intelligent of all dogs, then she certainly chose a roundabout way of doing it. And, again, Precious was the third or fourth thing I thought of, not the first thing, when I heard about this. If I was a woman, and Ms. Bachmann was a man, and I was trying to decide whether or not I should sleep with her, I would have already left the bar with another man, probably Ricky Sprague, and slept with him, if we hadn’t gone into the bathroom and done about four times already, in the time it took me to think of the poodle and how much I like poodles.

Some conservative commentators are up in arms over Mr. Petty’s cease-and-desisting. Actually I don’t know if that’s true or not. I have only read one blog post, by one conservative commentator, but she is really up in arms about it. Over at Big Hollywood, a writer called Jeannie DeAngelis has put together a post with the crafty title “Partisan Heartbreaker Tom the Petty,” which manages to play on Mr. Petty’s association with a band called “The Heartbreakers” (i.e., “Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers”), and Mr. Petty’s last name, which Merriam Webster online tells us means both “insignificant” and “small-minded.” Sadly, the title is the cleverest part of Ms. DeAngelis’s post (although in fairness as I’ve already said, it’s a pretty clever title).

Anyway, to Ms. DeAngelis:

Apparently, the last thing Tom Petty wants to be associated with is writing the signature anthem that could accompany a female Republican candidate on the trip from Minnesota to the White House. So, to prevent that from happening, the rocker sent a three-word message to Michele: “Cease and desist.”

That’s probably not the last thing he’d want to be associated with. I bet he’d rather not be associated with crush videos, for instance. But, if he had the option, and apparently he does, then he’d probably not want to be associated with someone whose politics he disdains. Most especially if that person is attempting to win a political office that would give her a great deal of power over our lives.

Ms. DeAngelis gets more amusing from there:

It’s no secret: Tom Petty isn’t a fan of the Right. When George W. Bush ran for governor of Texas, the genial GWcomplimented [sic] the songwriter by using “I Won’t Back Down” as a campaign song. The unappreciative Petty had his publisher warn the campaign that using the ballad could send a false impression (Heaven forbid) that Petty endorsed Bush, and ordered the gubernatorial team to pull the song.

Oh, it’s a compliment when someone whose politics you dislike uses your song at rallies. Someone “genial” like GW Bush, who was the worst president of all time, and who primed the country for the election of Barack Obama, the worst president of all time. (Okay, “genial GW” was only running for governor of Texas when Mr. Petty cease-and-desisted him, but let’s congratulate Mr. Petty on his prescience, and not criticize him for being “unappreciative.”) But the fact that “genial GW” used one of Mr. Petty’s songs brings me back to my original point, kind of: Why would anyone want to be associated with GW Bush, in the minds of voters?

Even still, the liberal Step Away From the Song list goes on and on: Pretty boy Jon Bon Jovi told Sarah Palin not to use “Who Says You Can’t Go Home.” The Foo Fighters and Van Halen dissed John McCain; Bruce Hornsby felt Sean Hannity’s use of his song “The Way it Is” shouldn’t be the way it is; and rock group Rush informed Rand Paul he’s no “Tom Sawyer.”

I don’t really have much to say about this except that I always thought that Rush was an Objectivist, not a liberal band. After all, they are the composers of what is arguably the second-greatest song ever written about objectivist trees. Moreover, Rush doesn’t want anyone using their music.

Rush didn’t turn around and let John Kerry use “Fly by Night” at his rallies when he ran for whatever it was that he ran for.

Anyway, my point is, leave Rush alone. They are an awesome band. One of the best bands of all time. Don’t lump them in with Bon Jovi for crying out loud.

Actually that wasn’t my point. My point was about Michele Bachmann. Also, I would like to present a hypothetical situation to all the (one that I know of) conservative bloggers who are obviously so irritated about Mr. Petty’s “pettiness.” Imagine if in the last election that one of John McCain’s supporters who is a famous musician — someone like John Rich (full disclosure: I only know Mr. Rich from his reality show appearances, such as “Gone Country,” which I only watched because Bobby Brown was on it — wow, what a train wreck! — and “Celebrity Apprentice,” which I only watched because Gary Busey was on it — wow, what a train wreck [please I beg you if you do nothing else, watch this clip of Gary Busey giving heartfelt speeches about Omaha Steaks]!) had had one of his songs played at Barack Obama rallies. Imagine, if you will, that while Mr. Obama was rolling one of those bowling balls down the alley to show just what an “average joe” he is, in the background there was blaring the hit Big & Rich song “Save a Horse (Ride a Cowboy).” (Full disclosure: The only time I have ever heard this song was at a gay bar in West Hollywood, and I did not realize that it was in any way associated with reality show star John Rich.)

Conservatives, make up your mind: Either you want to tell Barack Obama to stop using that Big & Rich song, or you don’t want Tom Petty to be able to tell Michele Bachmann to stop using that Tom Petty song.

I think that we all know what the reaction would be from conservatives, if this hypothetical situation had occurred. They all would have said, with one voice, “How could Mr. Obama use one of our conservative songs about riding on sweaty men and sucking down longnecks? The next thing you know, he will be doing a bad job with the economy, and invading Libya!”

The above hypothetical situation clearly proves my point: If Barack Obama had used a song about riding sweaty men and sucking down longnecks in his campaign rallies, Michele Bachmann would probably be the vice president right now, or secretary of state, or something, and she wouldn’t even be running for president.

In conclusion, I don’t know if Ms. Bachmann has responded to Mr. Petty’s cease-and-desist, but if she has any sense at all, her response will consist of only two words:

“Thank you.”

Also, there will be an asterisk after the word “you,” and at the bottom of the response, there will be another asterisk, and a footnote. And that footnote will consist of only 11 words:

“*For saving my campaign, and helping me to get elected president.”

Because that is just what he did. While Mr. Edwards awaits his trial for being a philanderer, Ms. Bachmann will be winning the presidency. Thanks to Tom Petty, as I already said.

(Full disclosure: I must confess my bias in this case, as the only time I ever serenaded a woman, it was Mr. Petty’s song “You Wreck Me” that I chose. Her reaction cured me of any desire to ever serenade anyone, ever again, although I have recorded a version of “Wind Beneath my Wings” that I intend to have played at my funeral. I kind of changed the lyrics around, so they’re more about myself — “Did I ever tell you I’m my hero,” that kind of thing. I hope whoever wrote it doesn’t send me a cease and desist letter.)

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Ricky Sprague

Ricky Sprague occasionally writes and/or draws things. He sometimes animates things. He has a Twitter account and he has a blog. He scripted this graphic novel about Kolchak The Night Stalker. He is really, really good at putting links in bios.