“After leaving the governor’s office I told my wife about this event, which occurred over a decade ago,” Schwarzenegger told the Times in a statement that also was sent to The Associated Press early Tuesday.

The above quote was copied and pasted from an AP story (via yahoo!) regarding a certain “event” that occurred over a decade ago.

That “event”?

Former California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger has acknowledged that he fathered a child with a member of his household staff, a revelation that apparently prompted wife Maria Shriver to leave the couple’s home before they announced their separation last week.

Oh, that event. When he “evented” a member of his household staff. What kind of man is Mr. Schwaretc, that the act of copulation is for him an “event”? That’s actually pretty impressive.

“This is going to be a real event,” he probably says to the household staff members he seduces. “Something you’ll tell your child about. The child that will result from our event.”

I wonder if this “event” was anything like the World’s Fair? Or Maybe the World Cup Soccer Tournament. Or do you think it was more like a sleazy carnival with a few dirty, rickety old rides that feel like they’re about to break apart at any time, and a “petting zoo” that consists of houseflies, cockroaches, a stray cat, and a frog that might be dead?

According to the story, the “event” occurred over a decade ago, but the couple didn’t split up until after Mr. Schwaretc revealed to his wife, Mrs. Schwaretc, that said “event” had occurred. They split up earlier this year. Which means that Mr. Schwaretc lived with his wife for ten years without telling her about, you know, that whole event thing.

Okay, so big deal, he evented someone else. He is a bigshot Hollywood celebrity and a politician, so excuse me whilst I suppress a yawn. What I’m most interested in now is how will this affect Mr. Schwaretc’s new animated television program and comic book series “The Governator.” Remember that Stan Lee said that series would incorporate elements of Mr. Schwaretc’s life:

The animated TV show and comic book, being co-developed by no less a superhero authority than Spider-Man co-creator Stan Lee, won’t be out until next year, but this week EW offers an exclusive early look at Arnold’s cartoon alter-ego. “The Governator is going to be a great superhero, but he’ll also be Arnold Schwarzenegger,” Lee says of the semi-fictional character. “We’re using all the personal elements of Arnold’s life. We’re using his wife [Maria Shriver]. We’re using his kids. We’re using the fact that he used to be governor. Only after he leaves the governor’s office, Arnold decides to become a crime fighter and builds a secret high-tech crime-fighting center under his house in Brentwood.”

Emphasis added because, oh boy doesn’t that seem like a poor choice of words now?

But I do have a couple of suggestions for using the child result of “THE EVENT”: A supervillain called “The Bastard,” who totally destroys The Governator’s great new merchandising empire. Or, maybe he could be a superhero called “Love Child,” who rescues the “Maria Shriver” character from falling off a bridge or something, and when he rescues her she’s all like, “I’m really glad you were born, otherwise I would have fallen off that bridge!”

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Ricky Sprague

Ricky Sprague occasionally writes and/or draws things. He sometimes animates things. He has a Twitter account and he has a blog. He scripted this graphic novel about Kolchak The Night Stalker. He is really, really good at putting links in bios.

Latest posts by Ricky Sprague (Posts)

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• How a Wonder Woman comic from 1942 led to the Great California Cow Exodus of 2012, maybe - November 28, 2012
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• New Philip K. Dick novel too absurd to be believed - September 17, 2012
• My 90 Days, 90 Reasons submission - September 12, 2012

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