Sometimes our celebrity brethren need to feel the white hot sting of my bitch-slap o’ advice so badly, I have trouble even typing. This, friends, is one of those times. Our girl crush Scarlett Johansson, who, until very recently, was married to Ryan Reynolds, People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive, may be hooking up with — guys, y’all might have to sit down for this – Sean Penn. Ohhhh, it hurts.

What? What? I mean, really, Scarlett? It was bad enough when Natalie Portman had her ill-advised fling with him (Oddly, Penn’s fling with Jewel didn’t bother me. That just kinda made sense.), but this is truly heinous.  Scarlett, this is bad. There is nothing about this that is good. What, exactly, is so awful about it? To quote Carrie Fischer in When Harry Met Sally — which I try to do regularly — “It’s so awful, there’s no way to even explain what is so awful about it.” Be that as it may, I’m sure gonna try. Here goes:

1. Sean Penn is old.

Ok, 50 isn’t anywhere near old, but it’s a helluva lot older than 26. Scarlett, I understand the whole older man-younger woman thing and how that’s attractive to some girls. It works for Catherine Zeta-Jones. Believe me, if the dude from Mad Men (not Jon Hamm, the grey-haired one, and only if Jon Hamm isn’t available. Jon, call me.) knocked on my office door and said “Let’s go,”  the only thing my boss would see when he walked past my desk would be a puff of smoke. But Sean Penn is not the grey-haired guy from Mad Men. He’s not even the slightly-pudgy, bespectacled guy from Mad Men.

2. Sean Penn is crazy.

How crazy is he? He’s so crazy that Madonna dumped him. Madonna. He’s so crazy that he and Hugo Chavez are friends. As in, have-a-standing-date-to-drink-Arbor-Mist-and-watch-Glee friends. That man is crazy straight up, no chaser. A big ole bag of crazy. Crazy follows him around like Charlie Brown’s cloud. Everyone knows you don’t go to bed with crazy, Scarlett.

3. The bizarro circumstances surrounding how you met him.

To quote some anonymous source from Us Magazine (emphasis mine):  “‘Scarlett first reached out to Sean when she was planning to visit Haiti with Oxfam,’ says the source. ‘She knew Sean was living there in a tent and turned to him for advice.'” In a tent, Scarlett? In a tent??

4. Ok, let’s bring this bitch home.

Here comes the dear-God-what-are-you-thinking, tough love portion of our chat, Scarlett. Because you apparently need to be reminded of this, I would like to refresh your memory that you went from this:

To this:

Let’s go over this again, just in case you weren’t paying attention. You had this:

And now you have chosen this:

Scarlett, dear, you’re backsliding. Get rid of this guy, but immediately, and hook up with someone less creepy, like — I don’t know — Woody Allen. In this dark march toward whatever it is we are approaching… Don’t—don’t hang back with the brutes!

Let’s face it: Some celebrities could use good advice. Meg Boyle gives it to them every Tuesday (let’s just pretend it’s Tuesday).

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