Fun fact about Meg Boyle: I was a huge fan of E!’s reality show “The Girls Next Door,” which documented the high-larious hijinx of Playboy Magazine founder Hugh Hefner and his three barely legal, barely natural girlfriends (note: I speak of the original, awesome “GND”, not the weird, twin-tastic reincarnation). Those who were also fans of the show know well the bitter pill that long-suffering “#1 Girlfriend” Holly Madison – who genuinely seemed to love The Hef, or so it seemed to this viewer – had to continuously swallow every time Hugh brushed off her long-held desire to marry him and have his children. Eventually, Holly followed the sound of her ticking biological clock right out of the Playboy Mansion as we fans shed a single tear for what might have been and then promptly forgot that the show ever existed.

But! Now! News from the InterWeb: Hef! Gets! Engaged! The man who said “marriage isn’t part of my puzzle” proposed to his 24-year old girlfriend on Christmas Eve, which also happens to be one day after Holly’s birthday. Fans, join me now in a rousing chorus of “Aw, hell nah!” Poor Holly. All those emotions she must be feeling right now! Who ever can she turn to for advice on how to cope with this heartbreak? Lucky for you, Holly dear, I have a lot of experience finding out that the dude you left because he wouldn’t commit has miraculously changed his tune for the very next chick he laid eyes on. Come crawl into Auntie Meg’s lap, Holly; I’m about to share with you my five-step plan for dealing with hypocritical ex-boyfriends, a five-step plan I like to call Dancing It Out with Meg Boyle.

Step One: Prepare, prepare, prepare

Sooooo, you just found out that your ex-boyfriend, the media mogul who refused to marry you, is engaged. I’m not going to lie to you, Holly, this is gonna suck, and the only way out of the pain is to dance through it. First thing to do is take a deep breath. Now take another. Feel like crying? Let it out, girl, regardless of whether you’re at home alone or surrounded by strangers in the international foods aisle of the A&P. Feel better? Ok, now is the time to act because this post-cry-high is what we here at Dancing It Out with Meg Boyle like to call the Relative Calm Before the Shit Storm. You’ve got about three, maybe four hours before you go completely Courtney Love crazy, so take this last stretch of sanity and stock up on some reinforcements. Is Ben & Jerry’s your comfort food of choice? Get yourself to the supermarket and buy in bulk; you’re gonna need plenty. Don’t like ice cream and prefer to drown your sorrows in macaroni and cheese? Then DIOwMB salutes you, Ms. Madison! Most importantly, take a few minutes to make yourself an ipod play list of revenge songs. In fact, we here at DIOwMB recommend that every woman have this play list pre-loaded on her ipod, just in case, as it’ll save precious minutes in a crisis. The songs don’t even really need to be relevant to the situation; they just need to fill you with the sweet sauce of righteous indignation. Go ahead and load everything Amy Winehouse ever recorded on there. That Cee-lo Green song? Great choice; I’m listening to it right now. Justin Timberlake’s “What Goes Around / Comes Around”? It’s gold, Jerry. Gold!

Step Two: Go To the Mattresses

By now, the calm you were feeling should be giving way to some anger. That’s good, we’re going to want to tap into that by tapping into what we here at DIOwMB like to call Summoning Your Inner Sicilian. Holly, I know that in these last hazy minutes of clarity you might be tempted to relive all those wonderful memories that you and Hugh shared; misty, water-colored memories such as your first Playboy photo shoot, when The Hef took one look at your nubile young body coated in so much Wesson Oil and shouted “Voila! There’s my Gigi!” or your first hot tub foursome with Hef, Pam Anderson, and Patti Reagan. These may be cherished memories, but you’re going to need to forget them and cut this bastard out of your life. He’s dead to you. De-friend him on Facebook, un-follow him on Twitter, and delete him from your iphone. He never existed. Is this harsh? Maybe, but remember that you invested seven years of your twenties – which is like three decades in Bunny Years – to that man and he paid you back by giving the ring you wanted to some girl he’s known for a hot minute. Revenge is a dish best served cold, Holly.

Step Three: Gather Ye Girls and Gays

No one is more valuable during a meltdown than your girlfriends, be they women or men. Sure, you may desire the perspective of a trusted straight male friend or your beloved mama during this difficult time but perspective is overrated, Holly. You’ve been wronged, and you need a gaggle of supportive friends to be the wind beneath your wings right now. Do you want that wind to gently whisper sensible things like “There are plenty of fish in the sea,” or do you want that wind to slam her drink down and howl “Girl, hold my purse, I’m about to send that little slut back to the trailer park she came from!” That’s what I thought. Send up the Bat Signal and put on your dancing shoes; this crisis is going to require every gay in a five-mile radius.

Step Four: Drink

The creative and legal teams behind DIOwMB would like to stress that we do not endorse overindulgence in alcoh-…Ha! Sorry, I tried to get through that without laughing; I really tried. Holly, bottoms up. You start drinking now and don’t stop until the whole thing seems kinda funny. Incidentally, this is where having taken Step Two will come in handy, as somewhere between your second glass of wine and fourth margarita you may feel the urge to call your ex to give him a piece of your mind. Ensuring that you live in a Hef-free universe prior to that fifth tequila shot makes this ill-advised phone call impossible, and that’s a good thing, because the douche bag doesn’t deserve to ever hear your lovely voice again. Let that harpy of a fiancé get on his case about something. You’re too busy getting your drink on to care!

Step Five: Rinse and Repeat

Repeat Steps 1-4 of Dancing It Out with Meg Boyle for as long as it takes you to move on. But do consider moving on, Holly. You’re pretty darn hot, and you’re on TV! A thousand little girls out there would kill to grow up to be you. I’m not entirely sure that’s a good thing, but stay with me here, Holly, I’m going somewhere with this. In just a few hours, it will be a whole new year. You don’t want that wrinkly old albatross hanging around your neck in 2011, do you? It’s his loss; if he liked it, then he shoulda put…well, you know.

When you start feeling down, Holly, just remember this: Hugh Hefner is 84 years old. He was born the same year as the Queen of Freakin’ England. Let’s face it, honey, you dodged a bullet. Also, it could have been much worse: His new girlfriend could have been Asian.

Let’s face it: Some celebrities could use good advice. Meg Boyle gives it to them every Tuesday (or, you know, Friday).

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