The local KMart store in my area has closed, it has apparently been there in Brooklawn, New Jersey for over thirty years. It has definitely been there for as long as I remember. And for some odd reason, I am bothered and saddened by this. I have this weird nostalgia/comfort zone thing where I hate to see businesses go under, and especially something that has been there forever. I almost had a stroke when the restaurant my grandfather owned for over 50 years (and that I basically grew up in) was getting gutted by the newest owners. My relief came when I called my grandmother to tell her and she said “things change Marty”, which is ironic because her shore house has not changed once in my 34 years of life!

I have no idea why I would feel any sort of emotion towards this KMart, other than the fact that I am just bothered by something that I was so used to going away. This KMart was quite possibly the most depressing retail experience on earth or at least Southern New Jersey. The Icee machine hadn’t been operational since 1982 and the hot dogs turning on the grill were there since the Nixon administration. Store management definitely didn’t adhere to the normal “No Shoes, No Shirt, No Service” policy, and also seemed to encourage a No Teeth, No Hope, and No Personal Hygiene policy. Back in 1998, I went in looking for a thermal lunch carrier for work. It was nine a.m. on a Wednesday morning and I will never forget it. Destitute elderly folks shuffling through the store looking for a place to curl up and die, shoddily dressed women arguing at the service desk over what food stamps can and can’t purchase, and illegitimate children crying over the habitually broken Icee machine. For any aspiring horror film directors out there, this would have been a magnificent place to film a zombie movie – you’d have a store full of dim lighting, dirty floors, and free extras.

The store layout was as confusing as an equation in “Good Will Hunting”. It made no sense at all. If was as if the manager would tell the workers “just put shit on the shelves”. And they sold guns. This troubled me greatly, because I wondered what the credentials were for purchasing a gun. Especially since their tobacco policy seemed pretty loosey goosey as there was never a shortage of eleven year olds outside the store puffing on Camels and Lucky Strikes. My hope is that the employees couldn’t figure out how to operate the lock that kept the gun case closed.

This particular KMart excelled at never having anything that was featured in the weekly circular. In my efforts to ever purchase something I saw on sale, they were 12 for 12 on not having that product in the store. Once, I went for a 4gig thumb drive on sale for a very affordable ten bucks. When I reached the “electronics” department (both I and the Brooklawn KMart use that term very loosely), the guy who helped me out had no idea what I was talking about. His hair defied the laws of nature and was somehow both wispy and greasy at the same time. He looked dumbfounded and simultaneously scratched his head and his ass when I asked where I could find it. He then checked inventory on what appeared to be a Commodore 64 computer. And of course, they didn’t have it.

Furthermore, this KMart was the object of scorn to my grade school classmates. If it was discovered that you bought so much as a pencil sharpener there, you’d surely be burned at the stake and teased for eternal damnation. God forbid you ever owned an article of clothing or *gasp* sneakers there. You may as well just eat one of the hot dogs off the grill and end your life. My mom was kind enough to take us to Bradlees or Caldor instead, which certainly weren’t much better but at least we avoided being spotted at Kmart which was basically the kiss of death.

One of the few things I ever purchased there was sweatpants. Other than toxic hotdogs and mild STD’s from breathing in too deep when you were in there, one go-to product there was sweatpants. They sold some good, comfy, and cheap sweatpants. And sweatpants that actually looked pretty decent on me. I hope I don’t need to explain how difficult it is for a short stocky gentleman to find a pair of sweatpants that fits OK. For that reason, I don’t wear sweatpants often and I could certainly never pull off one of those velveteen track suits – only fat rappers and drug dealers look cool in those. But somehow, I only look semi-awkward in KMart sweatpants. So maybe this is why I am bummed that they are closing, the prospect of basically not wearing sweatpants ever again. Although I guess that isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

But I applaud the Brooklawn KMart for making it so long. After WalMart built a nearby store in 2006, after the economy tanked in 2007, and especially after 1988, when “Rain Man” came out and autistic savant Raymond Babbitt declared “KMart Sucks“, which certainly sent the stock price plummeting. You had a good run Brooklawn Kmart, other than the broken Icee machine, disheveled clientele, and the occasional dead body in aisle 8. But you made a good sweatpant! For that, you will kinda sorta be missed.

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