Generally speaking, everybody hates Christmas.  I mean, everybody loves Christmas; it’s just that Christmas is kind of horrible.  C’mon, you know what I mean!  Wah, Wah! Buy me a gift! I want a present! God, mom. Give it a rest.  The good news is, I’m here to make everything about Christmas easier.  If you’ve been waiting until the last minute to buy the person you love the greatest present in the world, you’ve found the perfect gift guide.  If you’re Jewish, close this page and go eat a matzoh or something.

Gifts For Your Dad:

Dads.  Everyone’s got one.  Some people are one.  If you are one, you shouldn’t buy yourself a dad gift.  They say that being a dad is a gift in itself.  Did you know that?  Your child is a gift.  I am a gift.  That’s why I didn’t get my dad a present this year.

For everyone else, buying a gift for your dad is a pretty simple process. Let’s start with the obvious thing:  Your dad likes to golf.  Buy your dad golf balls. If for some reason your father is a paraplegic or you don’t live in the United States, you can move on to the second option: a baseball hat with a corporate logo on it. Why didn’t you think of that?  I have no idea.

Gifts For Your Mom:

A Yankee Candle. Moving on.

Gifts For Your Brother:

Having a brother is a lot like having a best friend who doesn’t like anything you like and constantly makes fun of you for doing anything.  And like all great friendships, nothing accents it better than the perfect gift.  For your brother, consider something you hate.  He will probably love it!  Or just give him a Will Ferrell DVD. Don’t spend too much time thinking about this one.

Gifts For Your Sister:

Your sister is a girl.  So right away we are narrowing down the options on the types of gifts we can give.  Let me lay this one on you:  When in doubt, buy pink. I mean, she is a girl.  What else do girls even like? Hey, I know! Why don’t you buy her a tampon! Ha! Hey, it’s practical! Am I right?

Gifts For Your Grandparents:

There has never been one case in the history of mankind of a grandchild buying a gift for a grandparent.  Don’t be a hero. Don’t be stupid. Let’s keep tradition alive.  Let’s go ahead and get them nothing.

Gifts For Significant Others:

The trick with buying gifts for your significant other is that it has nothing to do with quality.  The real way to your “other’s” heart is through quantity. If you buy them more presents than they buy you, you’re a great boyfriend/girlfriend! You are the best. What I like to do, is I head on over to the local Five Below, and just find them some crappy knick-knacks and doo-dads.  If you buy your boyfriend/girlfriend ten movie theater sized boxes of dots and wrap them individually, you are going to look so good.  Candy not his/her thing?  Just get them twenty Five Below giftcards with one dollar on each of them and put them in separate gift bags under the tree.  He/She will be so surprised.

Buying gifts for the people you love doesn’t have to be the worst day of your life.  With these simple tricks and trops, you’ll not only be buying gifts that last a lifetime, but a few memories as well.  Marry Christmas.

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Tags: advice, mostly kidding by Matt Scottoline // Add Comment »