I’m back, dear readers. I hope you’ll forgive my little gentleman’s intermission of the past few weeks–let’s just say that I do not recommend moving in the middle of Thanksgiving. And let’s just say that I’m a little underwhelmed with the traffic of celebrity gossip this month. No celebrities hot-footing it to rehab, no nasty divorces (except Eva Longoria, to whom I have to say: Really? You’re divorcing him because of text messages?). I’m like a man without a country; a nun without a calling. Luckily, when Hollywood lets me down, there will always be an even more dysfunctional town in this country that needs me. My advice this week goes out to you, Washington, specifically to two former foes who are dancing on my last two nerves.

Dear President Obama: I’m so, so glad to hear that you have extended the Bush tax cuts for the wealthiest Americans. Because when the deficit is as high as it currently is, the most important thing to do is to keep spending money while not generating any revenue. God, why don’t those pesky “liberals” and “moderates” and “Nobel-prize-winning economic experts” understand that? I mean, this is just good math! Pure, simple, uncomplicated math! And in case no one has noticed, we’re in a recession. We can’t go around all willy-nilly, raising taxes on the wealthiest 1% of Americans now can we? What would the Real Housewives of Greenwich do if they had to spend the winter in Connecticut instead of the Swiss Alps? I shudder to think, President Obama. It’s about time someone stood up for the big guy. Barry, I’m glad that someone is you.

Dear Senator McCain: I’m so, so glad that you’re taking a stand against Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. Because when America is engaged in one full-scale war while winding down another, the last thing we want is more soldiers joining the military. Those gays have really been pushing it lately, with their demands of “equality” and “civil rights.” If we allow gays in the military, what are they going to want next, the right to get married? Come on now, that’s just crazy talk. Oh I know, I know; you’re not actually against Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell per se, you’re just against implementing it now. I get your vibe, Johnny. Wink, wink. Your secret is safe with me.

And so, to summarize:

Senator McCain, pull your head out of your ass. And President Obama, you may not know this but you’re the president of the United States. You’re, like, in charge. Let’s go ahead and act like it, ok? Ok.

Let’s face it: Some celebrities (and politicians) could use good advice. Meg Boyle gives it to them every Tuesday.

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