One man’s journey to enlightenment: “Elton John is gay?”

One man’s journey to enlightenment: “Elton John is gay?”

Posted on October 19th, 2010 by Chris Matarazzo

Recently, I got an email that I thought my “Artistic Unknowns” readers might want to see. The writer identified himself only as “None of Your Business”. Anyway, here it is:

Dear Chris,

You are one of those music guys, so I thought you might be interested in my problem: A while ago, I found out that Elton John is gay. Now this might not be a big deal to you artsy types, but it had a profound effect on me.

At first, I felt cheated. His lyrics, after all, made no indication of this — except for a little weirdness with that Alice girl, but that was kind of hot — then I found out he tricked us all by contracting a heterosexual named Bernie to write his words. Very crafty. But I was a little hurt. I mean, I liked Elton. (His music — not, you know, him, specifically.) But when I found out he was gay, I just couldn’t listen anymore. For years, I stopped listening to him.

But, eventually, we all mature. I got a few online master’s degrees, built a wine rack and started bragging about my insomnia. I stopped referring to coffee as coffee and started calling it “caffeine”. These days I read, like, a blog a day. I also own Rent on a digital video disk.

After a while, I realized that, as an educated person who is comfortable his own (heterosexual) skin, it was my duty to like his music because he is gay. Not only did I listen to his music, but I actively began a quest to find gay friends. Now I have five, which makes me quite proud. I even call two of them, who cross-dress, “she,” which I think proves me to be very well-adapted to the new mentalities. (One of them calls herself Bernice, which I find totally ironic.)

Now, just when I had gotten things down, a friend of mine (who might be bisexual — I’m not sure, but I am glad to have one of those in my group, too) had to go and throw me a curve by suggesting that my judgement of Mr. John’s music should not rest, either way, upon his sexuality or upon any other element of his personal life. He says the music, itself, should be the thing I decide upon; that Elton John and Bernie Taupin are one of the best songwriting teams in pop history and that they “deserve an unbiased appreciation” or some such fiddle-faddle. (Not that it would matter to me, but, as I said, I am pretty sure Taupin is straight. “Tiny Dancer” does sound, to me, like a gay title, but you can’t go on that. Most of those guys are on drugs. No offense to you, Chris — I have no idea whether you are either gay or a stoner. Not that I would care either way. Live and let live, I say.)

Anyway, Elton fools me for years (I admit it, the outfits should have tipped me off a little) by sneaking in a straight lyricist, and I am not supposed to be mad? (What’s next? Am I going to find out he lied about his own name?) But, okay, I can get over that. Show biz is show biz. Then I have to adapt to Elton’s deviant . . . uh . . . abnormal . . . wait, no . . . preferences. No! Orientation. That’s it. (Had to check my notes.) And just when I learn that it is proper to praise him for his gayness by buying his records — I mean, compact discs — again, I have to get fed a line about forgetting the sex thing and focusing on the music. You know, out of a sense of politically correct duty, I even sat through that 80s crap he wrote with the beach video with the body-painted dudes in the Speedos all . . . flipping around. Where’s my credit for that? A guy can’t win.

Look, I do my best to fit the times. When the hell is someone going to give me a pat on the back for it? Maybe all of those art-for-art’s sake sissies ought to wake up and smell the caffeine. Even gay people can write good music and they deserve our support.

Anyway, I am currently working on acquiring a taste for Samuel Barber. Maybe the classical world will see my superior enlightenment more clearly.

Sincerely,

“None of Your Business”

CHRIS MATARAZZO’S ARTISTIC UNKNOWNS APPEARS EVERY TUESDAY

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Chris Matarazzo

Chris Matarazzo is a writer, composer, musician and teacher of literature and writing on the college and high school levels. His music can be heard on his recent release, Hats and Rabbits, which is currently available. Chris is also the composer of the score to the off-beat independent film Surrender Dorothy and he performs in the Philadelphia area with the King Richard Band. He's also a relatively prolific novelist, even if no one seems to care yet. His blog, also called Hats and Rabbits, is nice, too, if you get a chance...