The circus came to New York last night, and I do not mean Barnum and Bailey. Last night was the first and likely only gubernatorial debate and it was, if I may be blunt, a shit show. I knew the debate would be a bit crazy when I heard that all seven candidates would be allowed to debate (if I may quote Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music: “SEVEN???!!!”), but no one could anticipate just how glorious this figurative rape of our political system would be. The debate was more entertaining than the season finale of “Mad Men.” The front runners of the race, Andrew “Nepotism” Cuomo and Carl “Get off my lawn!” Paladino, offered nothing substantive or entertaining, but that left plenty of room for the remaining five candidates to get their freak on. And what will become of these candidates, now that their fifteen minutes are up? I have a few helpful suggestions…

So first up we have City Councilman Charles Barron, of the Freedom Party, to whom no one paid any attention. You talk a lot about education, Chuck, and you seem to be very anti- charter school. So it seems to me that the natural next step for you to take your anti-reform message out on the road and hit up the Sunday morning news programs. Say hi to David Gregory for me.

Next up is crazy Kristin Davis, a former madam whose only prior contact with the New York political scene was touching Eliot Spitzer’s happy place. Davis is running on the idea that legalizing prostitution will bring some badly-needed revenue back to the state of New York. Well, that’s never going to happen here so Kristin, you should go west, young woman, to that magical land where prostitutes practice their love freely: Nevada. Open up your own brothel; you can call it Kristin’s Kathouse or something. HBO will be knocking on your door within five minutes.

Then there are the Green Party and Libertarian Party candidates, Howie Hawkins and Warren Redlich, who basically cancel each other out. I say the two of them should join forces and get it on, Carlsonand Begala-style, with their own cable news show. You take two steps forward, Howie; Warren, you take two steps back. You go together ‘cause opposites attract.

And last, but certainly not least, there’s my personal favorite candidate: Jimmy McMillan, of the Rent is Too Damn High Party, the only candidate on that stage who was both a karate expert and a snazzy dresser. If you didn’t see the debate last night, do yourself a favor and watch these clips. My advice to you, Jimmy, is to stay in the spotlight for as long as you can milk it because you, sir, are a delight. Someone please get this guy a reality series, stat. Rent is too damn high!

Let’s face it: Some celebrities could use good advice. Meg Boyle gives it to them every Tuesday.

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