So I was walking down the street on Saturday, leaving a voice message on my friend’s cell phone when something I saw stopped me in my tracks, mid-sentence: The advertisement for A&E’s new show “Teach: Tony Danza.” Apparently, it’s his toughest role yet. If you’ve seen this ad you might have assumed, as I did, that this is some lame prime time drama series starring Tony Danza as a teacher but no! You’re wrong. You’re so wrong! It’s – guys, I’m so excited to share this with you that I can barely type – a reality show about Tony Danza actually teaching! Yes! Teaching people’s children! If you didn’t see the first episode, I’ll sum up what you need to know: Tony Danza has a degree in history and always wanted to be a teacher. And since we Americans give celebrities anything they want, the administrators of Northeast High School in Philadelphia said “Sure, what’s the worst that could happen?” Allow me to stop writing while I finish laughing.

Ok, I’m back. Now, I could spend my time with you this week commenting on how unfair it is that while Philly is struggling to find the funds necessary to keep their best educators from being laid off, someone who lists “tap dancing” in the skills section of his resume is just handed a job teaching tenth grade English. But I remember well the baptism-by-fire that is your first year as an educator so Tony, I’m going to take pity on you and give you ten golden nuggets of advice, from one former teacher to a future former teacher.

1. Do not have your first year filmed.

Seriously, do not have your first year filmed. It’s not too late to pull the plug on this A&E show. Trust me when I tell you that you are going to make more mistakes this first year than Nicholas Cage has made since winning his Oscar. And Nick’s made a lot of mistakes, not the least of which is naming his son after Superman. You are not going to want any of these precious first-year moments captured on video.

2. Don’t try to be the “cool” teacher.

This may be the number one rookie mistake, and you reek of it, Tony. You have the very stench of wanting to be cool seeping from your pores. There’s a scene early in the first episode of “Teach” where Mr. Danza, upon seeing a kid sitting outside the principal’s office, sits down and says brightly “Hey, are you in trouble?” I knew then that you were in the danger zone, Tony. I’ll let you in on a little secret about students: Like many of the men I date, kids have a tendency to send mixed signals. They may laugh at your jokes, they may cheer when you don’t give them homework, they may actually tell you that you are cool. However, like many of the men I date, kids don’t know what they want. They may act like they want you to be their friend, but that’s not what they really want, nor is it what they need. Incidentally, this may be the only mistake (and I do mean the only mistake) that I actually did not make. I am not cool. I will never be cool. In fact, as a teacher, not being cool was kind of my thing. If you try to be their friend, the students may like you, but they will never respect you. Know that.

 3. Toughen up.

Tony, you have to stop crying. Teaching is really, really hard but dude, even Glenn Beck would watch this show and say “Geez, that guy is a real wuss.”

4. Drink a lot of coffee, and get a lot of sleep.

That “leave-at-3, summers-free” rhyme is a cute story they tell in order to recruit young teachers, much like how the Sisters of Charity try to lure young women to the nunnery by telling them they’ll never have another bad hair day. I taught from 7:30am to 2:30pm, after which there was detention to administer and chess club to supervise and students to tutor and parents to call. Then I went home at night and graded papers. Weekends were spent reading books, preparing lessons, supervising Saturday detention, writing exams, and, yes, grading more papers. What about the summer? Bitch, I was working; you can’t actually live on a teacher’s salary alone! I loved teaching, but my most difficult day at my current job hasn’t been half as exhausting as a typical day spent teaching.

5. Kiss some ass.

Write this down, Tony. You need to suck up to the following: The lunch staff, the office secretarial staff, and, above all, the custodians. Despite what anyone tells you to the contrary, these are the people who really keep that school running.

6. Don’t pick your battles, pick how you win them.

The question is never if you are going to win the battle – you’re the teacher; you are always going to win – the question is how you win the battle. Many teachers employ the ignore-bad-behavior, reward-good-behavior method, but that only works on puppies and husbands. Too many others just scream their heads off. That, too, is a mistake, as the kids will learn to tune you out pretty quickly. I preferred the silent-ninja method of exerting my authority. An example of this is a favored move that I referred to as the Rosencrantz and Guildenstern: On the occasions where a student would not report for detention, I would not lose my temper and Hulk out. I would instead bide my time until the next day, when I would calmly ask said student to deliver a note to the principal for me. Little did this poor student know that the note explained his insubordination and asked the principal to punish him accordingly. Was this sadistic of me? Sure. Was it effective? Oh yes. Mwah-ha-ha.

7. Keep the new ‘do.

I’m really digging this whole very short, distinguished grey thing you’ve got going on, Tony. You should stick with it. No, this will not help you become a better teacher but this is my column, dammit, and I give the advice around here!

8. Stock up on popcorn.

Ramen is for amateurs. Popcorn is cheap, tasty, and filling. It makes a great dinner when your paycheck is late and your funds are low. And trust me, the paychecks will always be late and your funds will always be low. I can’t imagine there is much coming in by way of syndication money, Tony, and I worry about you. I worry.

9. Unlike the McCain campaign, vet every decision you make before taking action.

Do your homework. Before you walk into that classroom, make sure you read every book and check every source. Do not, and this is merely a hypothetical example, show your film class a clip from the remake of a classic horror movie in order to compare it with the original without actually watching the clip first. Even if your film-major boyfriend assures you it is a shot-for-shot copy of the original, even if your department chair signs off on your lesson plan and writes “great idea!” in the margin, and even if the guy at the video store assures you it’s a great scene to show your students, make sure you watch it first before screening it in class. Otherwise, you risk accidentally showing a clip of Vince Vaughn masturbating to a class full of minors. I am not saying this happened to me. I’m just saying you would be really, really embarrassed if it happened to you.

10. Don’t ever ask a kid “Who’s the Boss?” and then, before she can answer, scream “I AM!!!!”

I feel this moment is inevitable, Tony. I’d like us all to avoid it.

Let’s face it: Some celebrities could use good advice. Meg Boyle gives it to them every Tuesday.

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