If you’re anything like my mother, you’ve been reading a lot about this impending Bed Bug “pandemic.” Heck, it’s even on TV. There doesn’t seem to be any getting around it.

“We are all going to die.” — Anderson Cooper

However, all is not gloom and doom in the USA. It has been my experience that not only are Bed Bugs NBD; they’re actually a life saver!

When the Bed Bug news entered my radar, I decided that as a member of the media, I had to investigate for myself. I really wanted to “get out there” and make up my own mind, so I could then make up yours.

The first step was getting my own set of Bed Bugs. To do this, I first asked my mother. She was no help. Luckily, on my way home from work, I passed a local Econolodge that had a few nice mattresses laying around the back. Cha-ching.

Once I got the mattress back into my apartment, I replaced my current mattress, and got right to layin’. Being on that mattress was like taking a wonderful journey through time. I couldn’t help but wonder if this is what it felt like to be a god. To experience the lives of every human who has ever slept, sweat, or loved on this piece of furniture. The scent of history. And body odor.

Days passed and I began to notice the symptoms. After distinguishing the body lice from the bed bugs, I have finally come to the conclusion that Bed Bugs are a blessing, not a curse.

For one, after contracting Bed Bugs, you not only get to buy a new bed, but an entire new wardrobe. Honestly, how long have you been putting those things off? And on top of that, by going out and spending your money on refurnishing and reclothing yourself, you’re stimulating the economy. Thank you.

Another upside I found is having Bed Bugs is like having hundreds of free pets. The even better news is they are the most low maintenance pets anyone could ask for. “What kind of food do I need to buy my Bed Bugs?” Trick question my fellow animal lovers: You are their food! Bed Bugs feed on your human blood. All you need to do to take care of them is go to sleep every night, just like you already do. No litter boxes, no kibble to buy, and no poop to scoop (they poop inside your bedding, so you’ll never even notice).

“But Matt, what about all the painful bites and itching?” Those bites are like tiny kisses from your new best friends. They love you(r blood). And listen you big baby, they go away on their own! I mean, if you get rid of the bugs. But really, why would you even try? The bottom line is, they are doing you more good than harm. Even if you itch your bites to the point of scarring, you end up with grotesque scars! Babes love scars (sorry girls, but men don’t like scars. You should probably get rid of the bed bugs).

 

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Tags: advice, mostly kidding by Matt Scottoline, science // Add Comment »