Before I hand out my weekly dose of celebrity advice, I’d like to thank the great people of New York for realizing that, as always, I was right and for choosing to view Manhattan over Serendipity at the Central Park Film Festival last week. I was worried but you pulled through for me. You’re a good bunch, NYC. Even you, Staten Island! Now, let’s talk about someone whom I am very proud to say is not a New Yorker: Paris Hilton.

To fill in those who do not follow such things (and why would you, when you have me to keep you informed?), that hilarious Hilton heiress went and got herself all arrested last weekend for felony drug possession. Kids! I don’t know what’s wrong with these kids today! In her purse, police found some cigarette wrappers of the kind commonly used to smoka the ganja, some sort of pill called Albuterol, and, oh yeah, a baggie filled with white powder. When questioned, the Poor Little Rich Girl said the baggie contained — wait for it! — gum. Must be that new gum-in-powder-form that’s being test-marketed all over the country. I hear it’s a hit with fifth graders at the Smithsonian Air and Space Museum. Seriously, Paris? I know you’re not good under pressure but the best you could come up with was “gum”? Stars may be blind, Paris, but so is justice, so you might want to come up with a better exculpation than “gum.” Here are some ideas for what your lawyer should say was really in that baggie:

Baby powder

The girl sweats, ok?

Sugar

See, Paris takes her coffee with lots of sugar, and she needs to carry her own. The only sugar you can get at Starbucks is that damn Sugar in the Raw crap. Have you seen that stuff? It’s brown! Ugh, being Paris is so hard!

Powdered sugar

Paris really loves coffee cake.

Currency

Argue that the baggie was filled with toy cocaine (purchased, of course, from the Play Drugs section of Toys R Us) that Paris was planning to pass off as the real stuff and use at the market to barter for goods. She only had $1,300 cash on her! What if she wanted to go out for pizza? What if she had to use the pay phone?

Rosin

Not many people know this, but the Hiltons are a ye olde vaudeville family. Some of her fondest childhood memories are of the long, lazy afternoons when Grandpa Hilton would teach Paris the old routines and talk wistfully about getting the act back together. You never know when Paris is going to feel the urge to do a little soft shoe but, when she does, that floor better not be slippery, dammit.

Dry Shampoo

Have you seen that mug shot? Her roots are clean and grease-free. Do you think that’s the result of good genes? Nope. Dry shampoo, people: It’s not just for old ladies anymore.

Fake snow

You know, being a celebrity socialite isn’t all fun and games. There are times when Paris gets tired of counting her money and starts to feel a little blue. When that happens, the only thing that cheers her up is to throw handfuls of fake snow into the air and sing “For we need a little Christmas, right this very minute!” Sometimes, Nicky Hilton gets a little too tipsy at Thanksgiving and tells the story of the time that she walked in on Paris manically throwing snow around and dancing to the score of “The Nutcracker,” crying hysterically and shouting, “I’m a ballerina! I’m a beautiful ballerina!” Sisters: One minute she’s your best friend, the next minute she’s selling you out to your cousin with the lazy eye as he passes her the candied yams.

Powdered eggs

Come on, people, there’s a recall going on!

The ground-up dust that represents the remains of Lindsay Lohan’s career

ShaZAM!

 

So there you have it, my dear. Feel free to use any or all of the above excuses. Good luck with this one, Paris. No, no; there is no need to thank me. Helping wayward celebrities out of jams like this is my job.

Let’s face it: Some celebrities could use good advice. Meg Boyle gives it to them every Tuesday.

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