The Toronto Maple Leafs are going to be this year’s most improved team. There, I said it. And no, I’m not a Leafs fan.

There are two types of hockey fans. Those that loathe the Toronto Maple Leafs, and those that love them. I’ve never met a hockey fan that doesn’t have a strong feeling about the Leafs, but in the last few years it has changed somewhat. That hatred has fallen to a feeling of superiority, that love has dulled to pity. The last few years they’ve seemed like the town rottweiler that terrified you in your youth; the last five years have been kind to you, but the dog’s gotten old and slowed down. Sure it’s still been a big, mean bulk of muscle, but it hasn’t been a threat because you’re too quick to let it bite you, you know how long its chain is, and it gets tired and loses interest very easily. The dog’s owner (Leafs fans) love it unconditionally, and they would love to see that dog catch some punk just so it could validate itself once again, but year after year it has disappointed.

The Leafs have not made the playoffs in five seasons. They’ve never had a playoff series post-lockout. Even the damn Phoenix Coyotes have seen the playoffs, and they’re in the middle of the damn desert! The only team that has gone longer without making it to the playoffs have been the hopeless Florida Panthers…you know, the team that openly said they hate themselves and want a mulligan on their franchise. The third-longest drought? The Edmonton Oilers haven’t seen the post-season since 2005-06, but they went to the Finals that year. So really, Toronto and Florida are by themselves on this one, and when the Panthers are involved it might be less embarrassing to be at the bottom of the barrel by yourself.

This last season the Leafs became very strong, and of course now everybody is up in arms that Brian Burke has not traded away Tomas Kaberle, his big gun of a defenceman. Analysts are saying that Burke made a big mistake by not giving up the second-highest point producer on his team for a bag of pucks and a $25 gift card to Tim Horton’s. Everyone wonders what’s going to happen now, and my prediction is that it’s going to be an absolutely brutal season that will feed a starved fanbase. Here’s the conversation of everybody in the league, pointing to the rottweiler’s pen, and laughing:

“Haha! They had their chance to trade Tomas Kaberle and they weren’t happy with the offers!”

“What a bunch of idiots! Now they’re stuck with one of the most potent offensive blue-liners in the league!”

“Yeah, and he’s going to be in a contract year! He’ll be 33 next year, which is at the apex for a defenceman, so he’s going to be motivated to earn a huge…contract…elsewhere…”

“…and he’s playing along one of the most horrifying blue lines in the league…”

“…and they’ve got a couple really good goalies…”

“…and their top six forwards are really good…”

“…and…crap…”

Oops. Looks like the old rottweiler mated with the town doberman a couple seasons ago, and now the half breed pup is ready to start biting. Take a look at what the Leafs have on their roster this year:

Offense:
– Phil Kessel‘s fat face is 22 years old. He’s entering his fifth year in the league. The last two seasons have been his best, scoring 36 and 30 goals, 24 and 25 assists. In 2008-09 he was a +23 with the Bruins. Let me say that again. He was +23 two years ago. He’s 22 years old, if I didn’t say that already. If he can stay healthy, this Philip Seymour Hoffman look-a-like can embarrass opponents’ defence, and he’s only just now finding his feet in the league.
– Who just won a Cup? Kris Versteeg just won a Cup. I liked four people from last year’s Chicago Blackhawks (one was their Zamboni driver), and one of them got traded to the Leafs. Oh snap! The Leafs power play unit just started to look frightening. This guy can shoot, he can pass, he can hit, and he racked up 14 points in the playoffs last season.
– Kessel’s a potential all-star and Versteeg’s a Cup winner, so putting Tyler Bozak between them makes for a pretty potent first line. Bozak’s not horribly big, but he adds some size and weight to the top 3. Last year he had 19 assists, and his passing is pretty spot-on, so he’ll be able to feed the puck to his linemates very well. Awful last name, but he can capitalize on those precious seconds where people giggle at it.
– If Bozak falls behind for even a moment, Colossus’ brother Mikhail Grabovski can and will step up. He’s from East Germany (the bad Germany) and is entering his fifth season in the league. Some might say that the Leafs should be happy with him; he was drafted in the 5th round and is currently the #2 center on their depth chart. But in reality this kid is improving every year. Montreal traded him because they’re never happy with anyone, and he had a great first year with the Leafs. Last seasons he played only 59 games but recorded 35 points, putting him nearly on pace to finish with what he had the season before, but he was a +3 (in 2008-09 he was a -8) showing that he improved his two-way game.
– On the second line right wing sits Colby Armstrong. Armstrong straight up murdered Jeff Carter a couple years ago, and he’s been the only good thing about the Thrashers (except for that awesome third jersey! [not really a good jersey]). Oh and he can score points. And he likes to hit people.
– To round off the Top 6, Nikolai Kulemin, who might be from Russia, is young, can score, and has sad puppy dog eyes. Those eyes lull you into a sense of security, as though they’re saying, “I’m just trying to play a nice game of hockey. I don’t know why you’re being so mean.” Then Colby Armstrong fucking kills you. It’s really an incredible duo.
– The rest of the forwards are built in a way that wins in the new NHL; they’re okay. The checking line can check, the fourth line isn’t bad, and Colton Orr, aka The Guy That Does What Sean Avery Does Without Being A Douche About It, does what he does and everybody on the team looks the other way. He’s the Joe Pesci of the Leafs “Goodfellas.” Nobody down there is making too much cash, as they’re all role players, and that’s actually good because all the money goes into the team’s

Defence:
Where to start?
– Dion Phaneuf (pronounced Dee-on Phaneuf) is one of the top defencemen of the league. He’s 25 years old, but I could swear he looks like he’s pushing 40. Maybe it’s his cro-magnan brow, his Gordie Howe-like leathery skin, or the fact that he never smiles (ever), but I forget he’s a kid. He doesn’t seem like it, and Calgary got rid of him in a horrible move because those fans need a scapegoat for everything. You’ve got someone who could be the next Chris Pronger, who is younger than me, and now he’s a Leaf. Great job, Calgary.
– At least Francois Beauchemin is as old to be as grizzled as he looks. The guy’s a damn monster, eating 25 minutes of ice time like it was Pez. Last season he was -13, yes. However, he greatly improved once his defensive partner became Dion Phaneuf; perhaps his style didn’t quite mesh with others, but whatever the case he consistently had a +1 throughout the end of the season. He comes from a long line of proud Beauchemin’s.
– The man of the hour! Everybody thinks Tomas Kaberle should have been traded. He makes a boat-load of money, and he only earns it by being a ridiculous offensive defenceman and power play specialist. He’s steady, but last season was a bit off. I wonder if that could have been caused in part by everybody in the league constantly shouting, “KABERLE IS GOING TO BE TRADED!” and Brian Burke saying to the league, “So…who wants to trade for Kaberle?” Of course, Burke followed that up by not trading him for anything less than Anze Kopitar. No, f’ing seriously, Burke said he was looking for a centerman that scored 80 points or better. Sorry Paul Stastny, you can take your 79 points and walk. For some reason, Henrik Sedin, Sid Crosby, Nick Maelstrom, Steven Stamkos, Brad Richards, Joe Thornton, and Anze weren’t on the market. So now the Leafs are stuck with a big veteran, offensive machine, power play specialist who is going to try to look his best for upcoming free agency. Sucks to be them.
– Mike Komisarek, whose name translates roughly to “Mike Cough Medicine,” has a shoulder injury and might miss the first part of the season. His likes are playing for Canadian teams, being defensively solid, killing penalties, and being big. His dislikes are shooting left-handed, the word “buttress,” and elbowing people in the face. Which is weird because he will elbow you in the face just for being ugly and having the puck. It’s an enigma, really.
– Carl Gunnarsson has too many S’s in his name and is lost in the sea of defencemen that are better than him. That’s okay, though, because he’s 23 and has never known the touch of a woman. F’ing Beauchemin is known around the league to swoop in on a guy’s chances, then promise him the fat chick, then taking both chicks and leaving Gunnarsson at the bar. Gunnarsson can’t wait for his revenge.
– Luke Schenn was supposed to be Tyler Myers, but then Tyler Myers said he wanted to be Tyler Myers. Still, he was the 5th overall pick for a reason, and he showed flashes of that last season. If only he wasn’t at the old, tired age of 20 he might improve and become a dangerous defenceman. If only he was on a team with a really, really potent group of veteran defenders. The world will never know.
– I boo Jeff Finger every time he touches the puck. It’s nothing he’s done to me personally; in fact that’s the whole point. I pick out a standard, decent player who doesn’t take a lot of penalties, doesn’t hit dirty, and more or less just goes out and plays a solid game. Then I boo the hell out of them. I like to think Jeff Finger goes home at night and contemplates why that one kid yells “BOOOOO!” at the top of his lungs when he has the puck.
– Brett Lebda is there for depth. He’s won a Cup with the Red Wings, going to the Finals twice with them. He’s an overall solid defenceman that can step in when needed.

Goalies:
– Jean-Sebastien Giguere won a Cup with the Ducks when they had a big, bruising team with a really strong defence, Francois Beauchemin, and a bunch of forwards who could grow some sick beards. These are all things the Leafs have.
– “The Monster” Jonas Gustavsson may look like he wants to steal your dog, but in actuality he’s going to be a great goalie. He’s not quite ready, only pulling off 16 wins out of 42 games played last year, but that’s why he’s #2 right now. The older J G will start declining soon and their roles will probably swap. With a potent defence in front of him, Gustavsson has the potential to be one of the top 20 goalies in the league. Top 20? Is that good? Take a look at who has won the Cup the last few years. Yes, it’s good.

Most importantly, everybody is underestimating this team. They’ve been bad for a while now, and they’re primed and ready to tear through some people this season. Their division is spent from last season, where everybody except the Leafs made the playoffs. The Sabres, to my chagrin, aren’t improved over last season. The Senators are on the down slide. The Habs are still heartbroken from losing to Philly. Boston sucks. The Leafs are in a prime position to use the momentum of the off-season to roll through 20 games before anybody even realizes they’re any good. Today all analysts are criticizing Brian Burke for not moving Kaberle, but why exactly was he supposed to trade him for “any forward.” You’re supposed to take the rock you’ve built your team on and get rid of him for a checking line center and a draft pick, right? Because he’s too good to be on your team. Now the Leafs defense is way too potent. They have far too many blue-liners that can carry the puck from end to end, too many slap shot artists that can send a bullet to the net. They’ve got way too many veterans who have seen great playoff runs, too many frustrated young guns who hunger for the post-season, and too many players willing to hit. Colby Armstrong once killed a Dallas Star with a trident.

Brian Burke made a huge mistake not raffling Kaberle off. Now Kaberle’s just going to have to earn a huge contract and score a lot of points on the Leafs. Damn.

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