A little update for you faithful readers: Last week, Bristol Palin called off her engagement redux with Levi Johnston, no doubt because she read my advice and realized that, as always, I was totally right. You’re welcome, Bristol. Now let’s see, on whom shall I direct my magic wand of miracle-working advice this week? Ah, yes: Laurence Fishburne, I choose you!

In case you weren’t aware, Larry Fishburne is having a rough week. His daughter, Montana, peeved that eighteen long years of doing nothing hasn’t led to the fame and notoriety that is her birthright, has decided to kick her quest to become a celebrity into high gear by releasing a sex tape and pursuing a career in porn. She’s even rechristened herself with a proper porn name: Chippy D, so named presumably after her pet chipmunk and the fact that she grew up on Avenue D.

According to an interview she gave to someone named Carlton Jordon, Chippy is working with an adult film director/actor named Brian Pumper (Pumper? I just met ‘er! Hiyoh!). That interview was given in late July, which means Chippy has completed about seventy-two films by now. And what does her father, Academy Award nominee Laurence Fishburne, have to say about all this? Not much: According to TMZ, it’s been radio silence from the Fishburne camp (and if it’s on TMZ, it has to be true).

Oh, Larry. Where did you go wrong? I’m not one of those “blame the parents” types of people but, to borrow a phrase from Chris Rock and rewrite it for my own purposes: If your daughter goes into porn, you fucked up. Your first wrong step, clearly, was naming your daughter Montana Fishburne. You may as well have installed a stripper pole in her nursery. Montana has been clear that her career move has nothing to do with her father but, as someone who has listened to John Mayer’s song “Daughters” five whole times, I can say with authority that this little rebellion is allllll about Daddy. So, Larry, it’s time to step up and take back your daughter. Forcefully.

Larry, you need to intervene. I don’t care that Montana is eighteen years old. If I ever pulled a stunt like this, even at 31 years old, my father would drag me from my apartment by my hair, lock me in my childhood bedroom, and keep me in there until I was sixty years old. And I would thank him for it. Hell, I don’t think I’ve ever so much as said the word “porn” to my father, regardless of the context. I don’t believe in corporal punishment — I plan to discipline my children with the same passive-aggressive guilt employed so masterfully by my own parents — but Larry, if ever there were a time to consider administering the belt, this is that time. Then you need to find this director/actor/svengali that’s seen your little girl naked and make like Liam Neeson in Taken. Or, if none of that works, at least teach her the negotiating skills she needs to demand more than a mere $25k for her tapes.

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