Birds flying high, you know how she feels. Sun in the sky, you know how she feels. Breeze driftin’ on by, you know how she feels. It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, it’s a new life…and LiLo’s feeling good. That’s right, kids, Lindsay Lohan is a free woman. So now that she knows why the caged bird sings…what’s next? There’s been a lot of speculation on what LiLo’s first move should be, post-prison. Sit on Oprah’s couch? Embark on a spiritual retreat? Take a wild, girlish stab at acting? Nay! The question, dear friends, is not what Lindsay should do; it’s who Lindsay should become.

Lindz, I know you’ve got a whole Marilyn Monroe thing going on but, honey, you’re emulating the wrong role model. Why become Norma Jean when you can channel the most fabulous diva ever to grace Betty Ford? That’s right, babe, I’m talking about Elizabeth Freaking Taylor. Sure, lots of starlets had tumultuous, booze-fueled careers but no one, and I mean no one, has ever done it like La Liz. Oh, you disagree, Lindsay? You think you’re some kind of badass because you’ve been in the joint? Ok, answer this: Have you ever been denounced by the Vatican? Yeah, I didn’t think so. Now sit your ass down and listen up.

Your problem, dear Lindsay, is that you’re still acting like you don’t have an addiction. Dame Elizabeth, by contrast, made a whole movie about her addiction. “Here I am, world!” she shouted in her strung-out, quasi-British lilt, “My husband and I are raging alcoholics, and we are fierce!” Instead of denying that you have a problem, Lindz, you need to learn to embrace the problem the way Liz did. And by embracing the problem — are you writing this down, Lindsay? — by embracing the problem, you turn it into the greatest legacy-shaper in the history of show biz.

As Liz taught the world, rehab isn’t a speed bump on the freeway of life, rehab is an event. Now is the time to cash in, baby. Do something big, like Liz would. I’m thinking interview, I’m thinking soft lighting, I’m thinking you in a turban, and I’m thinking Barbara Walters. “Little Girl Found: LiLo Live from Rehab! Tonight, on 20/20!” Then, when your ninety days are up, get your newly sober behind out there and start marrying people. It doesn’t matter who he is; marry him early and often. See that guy over there? No, not that one, the bow-legged one. Go marry him. Go marry the crap out of him. Then go marry someone else. Then design your own perfume, burst into Bungalow 8, slap your earring down onto the dj booth, and shout “Not so fast, Sam Ronson! Theeeze have ooolwiz brought me luck.”

I know you’re scared, LiLo. I know the nicotine withdrawal and lack of access to quality hair extensions is starting to mess with your already delicate psyche. But when your think tank of crazy family members start advising you on what your next career move should be, just ask yourself one simple question: What Would Liz Do?

Let’s face it: Some celebrities could use good advice. Meg Boyle gives it to them every Tuesday.

Tweet  Print This Post

Tags: art & entertainment, Meg gives advice to famous people // 2 Comments »