I admit it: I miss the World Cup. Partly this is because it enabled me to go to a bar at 10am on a weekday without it being seen as proof I have a problem. In part it’s the absence of commercials and timeouts — once a half starts, it goes on for at least 45 minutes — which is not the case with any American sport, with the worst offender being an NBA game in the 4th quarter (new Popes are elected in less time). And finally, I genuinely came to enjoy watching it. Here are the things I came to cherish most about the beautiful game:

–Its officials have so much power and so little competence. There was plenty of talk about the terrible goal calls against the U.S. and England, but far more intriguing is the fact that referees have the ability to dole out suspensions on a whim. Spain wound up winning the World Cup, but only after beating Germany 1-0 in the semis in a game Germany played without Thomas Mueller. His crime? Getting hit in the chest with a soccer ball the previous match. It was incorrectly ruled a handball, so the top scorer for the entire Cup had to sit. (This wouldn’t happen in any other sport — Peyton Manning could gouge out a defender’s eye and swallow it and the NFL would make damn sure he suited up for the AFC Championship game.) Unfair? You bet, but it gives events the true unpredictability possible only when someone utterly inept is given complete power, like in North Korea. Speaking of which…

–North Korea hired Chinese actors to play its fans. Seriously. I thought they did a great job and hope they’re available for Florida Marlin games.

–Germany’s star midfielder Bastian Schweinsteiger. His last name literally translates as “pig handler” or “pig lifter” or, best of all, “pig womanizer.” How sweet is that?

–All the nations I hate lost miserably. I despise Italy, Portugal, England, and France — they know what they did — and they all utterly embarrassed themselves (particularly France, which counts as their 2010 Cup highlight the fact that none of their players were indicted for having sex with an underage prostitute until after they were eliminated). Incidentally, Spain — a team I’d sort of liked previously because of their continual underachieving in past Cups — has now won my undying enmity for the undeserved win over Germany. Welcome to the list for 2014, Espana.

–Anything less than a World Cup title for Brazil is apocalyptic. Think about that. The Yankees may throw hissy fits when an October comes and they don’t get new rings, but at least they don’t have to sit around for four years before they even get another shot at it. You haven’t witnessed true stress until you watch a Brazilian coach’s face with his team down a goal and less than 10 minutes to go.

–Germany’s inexplicable perennial underdog excellence. In 2002, Germany wasn’t supposed to do much in the Cup. They made the Final. Same deal 2006; they finished third, losing only to the eventual champs. And so it was this year as well, as they came in third again despite their captain getting injured right before the tournament started. Indeed, Germany has finished in the top eight every year since 1954 (winning it all three times)…yet somehow it comes as a pleasant surprise each time. Schweinsteiger!

–Diego Maradona. Google his name (fun terms to include with it: “cocaine”, “dog bite face”, “huge Italian tax debt”, “illegitimate son”, “Hugo Chavez”, “photographer’s foot”, “Pele homosexual”).

–Unlike our pro leagues and their ever-expanding seasons, the World Cup knows when to leave. On behalf of my liver, thanks.

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