Often as not, I enjoy Adam Sandler. I remember listening to his album They’re All Gonna Laugh at You! with friends on the school bus over and over whenever we went on a field trip and I think on the occasions when he’s stretched as an actor (most recently in Funny People), he’s been solid, generally better than the films themselves. Yet there is something strange about the way a guy who’s best described as “irresistibly goofy” if you’re a fan — or “stupid and annoying” if you’re not — winds up playing lady-killing, world-class athlete, all-around unstoppable dudes. Let’s check the track record:

-A womanizing firefighter so damned sexy he was named Mr. February in their calendar in I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry

-A womanizing veterinarian in 50 Blind Dates

-A womanizing comedian in Funny People (note: this one’s plausible)

-The least convincing NFL quarterback ever in The Longest Yard

-The toughest man in Israel in You Don’t Mess with the Zohan

-A moronic yet invincible football player who gets the girl in The Waterboy (note: generally it goes without saying Adam Sandler gets the girl in an Adam Sandler movie)

-A hockey player with the ultimate slapshot turned John Daly-esque golfer in Happy Gilmore

I haven’t seen his latest, Grown Ups, but apparently he’s a Hollywood super-agent with a “still perfect bank shot” who’s banging Salma Hayek (in other words, it appears to stick to the pattern). Why does Sandler keep getting these roles? Some might say it’s because the movies are generally produced by the production company he owns, but I think there’s another, more logical reason: Sandler was destined to be the white Bo Jackson/ Jewish Jim Thorpe (and possibly a porn star on the side), but he chose to sacrifice these ambitions to make us giggle.

Let us pay tribute to his deferred dreams and humbly hope that our $12.50 apiece helps to ease his pain.

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