I know y’all have seen the new V-8 commercial on the Tube these days.  There’s a 20 something out walking past a store front window (I think it’s a gym), and he pauses, pulls out a V-8, cracks the sucker open and gulps that bad boy down like he’s in some frat party’s “Who can shotgun a beer the fastest?” contest.

It’s the most truth-in-advertising we’ve seen in a long while. 

Does anyone really know a person who can pleasantly sip a V-8, especially after it gets warm?

I don’t. I know only two types of V-8 drinkers: 1) The Chuggers, and 2) Mixers. The Chugger’s group consists of anyone who isn’t drinking about four fingers of vodka with their V-8, and the Mixer’s group consists of everyone who is. There doesn’t seem to be any in-between here. Either you’re drinking/chewing it for health purposes, or viva la dolce vita!

Let us consider the Chugger’s Group.

Did you ever watch someone drink a V-8? It doesn’t matter if they’re a fung or one of the staunchest veteran V-8 consumers, they all have a similar reaction to the first exposure to the V-8 hitting the back of the throat. See if you can pick it out!

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

In fact, the only time I think I’ve ever seen anyone really drink a V-8 and smile, it was in V-8’s commercial, and the “actor” was a cartoon character. The best part? Even the cartoon character had to chug it down… The idea of anyone not chugging a V-8 is so beyond the realms of reason and human sanity that the artists simply never thought about the fact that they could draw this poor bastard any which way they chose. Nope, our reality dictates that anyone drinking stand alone V-8 must be consuming it in a gulping action (or using a straw, which accomplishes the same “lots of volume/little taste” purpose).

Poor fella:

Further proof:

Notice that the amount of V-8 in the jug never went down as he Chugged it? Even in this moment of humor, which was intended to take a realistic view of what would happen in this situation, they still didn’t touch on the real truth. They had to use a prop.

It simply wouldn’t have looked right if reality had actually been shown.

The guy slams his V-8 while the the girl looks up in the background!

As the refreshing sensation of an ice cold liquid-like substance, with a consistency of something between tomato-soup-with-too-much-water and ketchup, hits his quivering taste buds, the guy assumes the facial expression of something akin to bulging eyed cat fish with a bad case of the lemon mouth (as evidenced in the preceding Exhibits). The girl laughs at him then walks away shaking her head…

Simple tip for both Chuggers and Mixers: To keep things simple and safe, always enjoy your liquefied tomato pulp beverage in the privacy of your own home…

Now, let us consider the Mixer’s Group.

My favorite Bloody Mary recipe:

• Fill a glass full of ice, then pour vodka in there until it’s about 40%-50% full, depending on the person
• Top the glass off with tomato juice, much like the V-8 I’ve been making fun of this whole time.
• Float some lime juice on top of it.
• 2 dashes Worcester Sauce
• Dash of salt
• Splash of hot sauce
• Stir with a stick of celery

Hello Nurse!

Those of us in the Mixer’s Group can only laugh at people who try to drink tomato juice any other way.

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Tags: drugs & alcohol, recipes & food // 2 Comments »