Democratic senator Frank Lautenberg of New Jersey is calling for the FDA to ban dissolvable tobacco products. These products, which include pellets, sticks, and strips, are marketed as an alternative to smoking.

And lung cancer. And certain death.

But Senator Lautenberg, that great defender of small children and furry animals (or is it furry children and small animals?), finds something nefarious about this. He argues that if young children were to see these concoctions as candy, and swallow a whole bottle of them, they could get sick.

However, when told that any pill or medication could be misconstrued as candy, the senator decided to take the ban to its logical conclusion, by calling for the end of all privately-owned medicine.

“Sure, an aspirin seems innocuous,” the senator bravely spoke. “But what if a child were to swallow lots of them? He or she could die. People will just have to live with their headaches. Perhaps if they just turned off the news, their headaches would go away on their own.

“Even that ulcer medicine that recently saved my life,” he continued, “could’ve been mistaken for candy. Better that I die. And I have lots of constituents who would heartily agree.

“There’s no enumerated right in the Constitution to bear medicine,” he concluded. “And even if there were, it would be a public right, not a private one.”

Henceforth, all distribution of medication will occur at federal medicating clinics, where patients will be provided with no more than one dose, and must take said dose in the presence of a government employee, who will, of course, have the right to inspect the patient’s mouth for verification.

Furthermore — given the abundance of medicine in private hands — the DEA will be given “special rights,” allowing it to raid any home or person without warrant, temporarily suspending the 4th Amendment until, as Senator Lautenberg says, “Every child is safe.”

Not even the ACLU is expected to challenge this, as the 4th Amendment has been pretty much null and void since the Patriot Act.

In fact, no one is expected to dissent.

That is, not if they want to get their medication.

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Tags: drugs & alcohol, politics & government // 2 Comments »