In the last year, my closest friends — guys and girls — have been getting themselves in and out of the most perplexing relationships and romantic situations. The guys ask me what women are thinking. They hope I will know, but I usually do not. The girls ask me what guys are thinking. They trust my candor, and it is all too easy to express.

The easiest question to answer for women in relationships is, “Does he still love me?” The answer is no. Men who still love their girlfriends or wives do nothing to induce this line of questioning. However, men who are tired of their girlfriends or wives do. They do not have the balls to go through an emotional and arduous breakup, so they disengage themselves long enough for their mates to ask, “Does he still love me?”

The easiest question to answer for single women is, “Does he want to be more than friends?” If you are a woman under 40, less than 150 lbs, and without disfigurement, then the answer is a resounding yes. Men already have friends — other men. They don’t look for women to go shopping with. They just like attraction. And if you are pleasant to look at, then you fit the bill. The somewhat innocent thing about all this is that guys themselves often believe they have no ulterior motive. This sentiment is pure suppression.

In exchange for some of these insights, my female friends try to tell me what women are thinking. But I never really listen to what they are saying. Instead I read between the lines. And what I have learned is that women have no idea what they want, but they do want something.

Women usually say they want humor and personality. They say this in order to justify their contrived relationships with stiffs, clowns, and bums. Yet, what they really want is some guy willing to drop to his knees and say, “will you marry me?” Then they can tell their friends and family all about the wedding, the house, and the kids. Hot chicks are the exception. They have guys falling to their knees left and right, so they want more. What more they want is money and or danger. Therefore hot chicks often delay marriage in order to pursue the rich and or delinquent.

Men too want to know if women are interested in them, but there is just no good way to tell other than biting the bullet and making a move. Even if she is on your couch with her shoes off and blouse undone, your chances are still only 50-50. A kiss tells all. If you can get a good kiss then you know. The challenge is getting close enough to do so without getting knocked out or arrested.

Of course I am the exception to these maxims. I love my girlfriends and respect my female friends. I am blind to aesthetic beauty. That is why I have the authority to write such platitudes. I would like to think that my friends are the same. Some are, some are not. If you’re reading this, you are. Okay? Take us away Kramer.

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