Former presidential candidate and great American hero John Edwards based at least one of his campaigns on the unfairness of the “two Americas” — that there was “one America” for rich people like him, who could basically do whatever they wanted and get away with it, because they were rich; and another “America” for poor people who had to take it when rich people like John Edwards screwed them over. Mr. Edwards had a vision to combine these “two Americas” into one America, where everyone would be screwed over equally by John Edwards.

So far and unfortunately, Mr. Edwards’s vision has gone unfulfilled. And one need look no further for evidence than the Tiger Woods incident(s).

Mr. Woods, the famous golfer and roué, had sexual intercourse with at least 15 women who weren’t his wife. Big deal, he’s a philanderer. Everyone sleeps around on his wife, even Jesse James — and he’s married to Sandra Bullock for crying out loud. She was in Demolition Man.

But with Mr. Woods, things are different. Mr. Woods apparently broke the law. His latest admitted bed companion, a pornographic film actress named Devon James (never heard of her until now, I swear!), claims that Mr. Woods paid her to have sexual relations with him. As Radar online reveals:

James claims that she met Woods when he visited her and another adult entertainer for a “two-girl party” — code name for a threesome encounter. James said Woods paid her and the other escort about $2,000 a piece. She said she walked into a room to find her co-worker and Woods mingling with XXX-rated movies playing in the background, and Woods introduced himself to her with a nonchalant, “Hi I’m Tiger, nice to meet you,” before the sex ensued.

Did you know that “two-girl party” was codename for a “threesome encounter”? I didn’t, I swear! Also, I don’t know about you, but I’m rarely “nonchalant” before sex. I’m usually pretty hyped up. I think it’s because I’m so good at it, you know? But the important thing is, Ms. James claims that Mr. Woods paid her and the other, unnamed “adult entertainer” (even if she had been named, I wouldn’t have know who she was, I swear!) $2,000 to have sex with her.

Two grand. Two thousand bones (hey, that could be the title of a pornographic film that I wouldn’t watch, I swear!). That’s $4,000 for both of them. To have sex.

There is a word for that where I come from, here in one of the “two Americas.” That word is “sex for money,” also known as “prostituting yourself for money.”

AKA, “prostitution.”

Admitted criminal Devon James, posing lasciviously before the “stars and stripes.” It would be more appropriate if she were posing in “prison stripes.” Because, you know, she’s admitted to committing a crime.

And prostitution is, despite all logic, illegal in most states. Including in Florida, which is where Ms. James lives. Also, Mr. Woods. I know it’s against the law, because I looked it up. Here is the relevant code of Florida state law. Here is the code that deals with the punishment for violating this law.

These links are full of “legalese,” and therefore are next to impossible for someone from “my America” to understand. So here is a bit from a website of a Florida lawyer:

For conviction of prostitution or solicitation in Florida, punishments can include jail time, fines, community service, counseling, etc. Sometimes, an automatic driver license revocation may occur. First time offenders face up to a maximum $500 fine and up to 60 days in jail. Second time offenders face up to a minimum of $1000 fine and one year in jail for a solicitation or assignation of prostitution charge. Some first offenders may be eligible for a diversion program wherein the charges will be dropped against you if you successfully complete the program.

I am directing this post specifically at Florida prosecutors. Tiger Woods has flouted or flaunted (I get those two confused) the law for far too long. The man is an (alleged) criminal. For crying out loud, he is playing golf again!

I realize that a $500 fine is nothing to a guy who can drop FOUR GRAND to have two-girl parties whenever he feels like it, but it’s the principle. And that 60 days in jail would probably hurt somebody like Tiger Woods. He would probably miss his big “golfing tournament event,” or whatever the hell it is that golfing players do. I don’t watch or play golf so I have no idea, I swear!

I do not believe that prostitution should be illegal. What two consenting adults do with their own bodies is their own business. But if it is going to be against the law, then that law needs to be applied equally to everyone. The fact that prosecutors aren’t looking into this only proves that laws against prostitution are arbitrary. If they’re arbitrary, then they’re unnecessary.

Either follow the law or not, and if you’re not going to follow the law, get rid of the law.

Because in my America, paid sex between consenting adults is still illegal. Oh, except if it’s being filmed, like for a pornographic movie. In that case I guess it’s okay, because they have all these websites showing that kind of stuff, as I’ve heard but never actually seen, I swear! So unless Mr. Woods filmed his little two-girl party, let’s treat him like the criminal he is– he violated an arbitrary law that shouldn’t be a law anyway and as such he deserves to go to jail like the rest of us would if we violated the same law that shouldn’t be a law.

And oh yeah while you’re at it you’d better send John Edwards to jail, too, because he refused to pay off that woman that he had his affair with. She was the mother of his child, and he kicked her out on the street!

In my America, that’s just wrong.

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Ricky Sprague

Ricky Sprague occasionally writes and/or draws things. He sometimes animates things. He has a Twitter account and he has a blog. He scripted this graphic novel about Kolchak The Night Stalker. He is really, really good at putting links in bios.

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