1. Throwing the baby out with the bathwater
   Based on the off-chance that someone working for the Washington DC Archdiocese might be gay and want to marry their partner, the organization, employing about 850 people, has announced that they’re eliminating all health care benefits for their workers’ families. As Tiny Tim would say, “God bless us, everyone!”
2. Going eucharistic on their asses
   Right now, the only thing keeping communion denial from being an effective political weapon is that darn randomness. Every Sunday, perfectly imperfect Catholics — such as pro-choicers who haven’t been on The O’Reilly Factor and gay people without Mardi Gras costumes — walk away scot-free with a mouth full of corpus christi. What’s needed is a cohesive policy to keep naughty — and stealthy — sinners from having at the wafers. I hate to say it, but it may be time for the bishops to stop cluttering up the floor of the Senate and start hammering out these guidelines.
3. The “special collection”
   Once that thorny communion algorithm is worked out, it’s probably time for the bishops to take a good hard look at the “special collection” process going on in some parishes. Some people could get the idea that a special 2nd Sunday collection to support television ads on specific political referendae may be on thin ice as far as the separation of church and state goes. I’m just saying . . .
4. Workhouses for children run for decades by celibates with anger management issues
   These institutions make Abu Ghraib look like . . . well, like the workhouse next door. None of these people could possibly be getting communion anymore, could they? Could they?
5. “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, Don’t Have the Wrong Parents” enrollment policies
   In Colorado this week, a Catholic school told one of the five-year-olds not to bother to come back to school next fall. Not for eating paste or goofing off during naptime — but because his parents are two women. The church said, “Parents living in open [italics mine] discord with Catholic teaching in areas of faith and morals unfortunately choose by their actions to disqualify their children from enrollment.” I’m wondering how nervous the other openly discordant Sacred Heart of Jesus parents are feeling right now. You know, the publicly divorced, unwed, or cohabiting ones. Those married, ostensibly straight and/or closeted thieves, wife-beaters, drunk drivers, dog-kickers, abortionists, adulterists, lewd limerick writers, pedophiles, and birth control users are O-Tay! Especially their kids! Want a wafer?

Tweet  Print This Post

Tags: religion & philosophy // 1 Comment »