Future headline: Cat facing charges in vicious attack
A cat known as Miley Cyrus has been charged with violating Switzerland’s animal abuse and cruelty ordinance. The cat is alleged to have committed acts of aggression against another cat, Ms. Cyrus’s companion, known as Hannah Montana.
The attack took place in the small apartment the cats share with a human companion, Adelheid Von Vøgëlzwÿl, in Aarau. Ms. Montana was playing with a squeaking toy, which apparently raised the ire of Ms. Cyrus, who responded by pouncing upon Ms. Montana, and clawing and biting her, leaving deep lacerations that required more than 12 stitches.
Ms. Montana also lost her left eye in the attack. She is currently in stable condition at the Aarau Animal Hospital’s Intensive Care Unit.
Police were summoned to Ms. Von Vøgëlzwÿl’s apartment at approximately 4:30 yesterday afternoon by Ms. Von Vøgëlzwÿl herself. She reported that she was unaware the cats were angry with one another until she’d heard the sounds of a fight in the other room.
“By the time I got into the back bedroom, Hanny was bleeding, and limping around on the floor, while Miley was licking her paws with that satisfied look that cats sometimes get. There was nothing I could do,” Ms. Von Vøgëlzwÿl said.
Ms. Von Vøgëlzwÿl has been charged with endangerment for leaving the cats in a room unattended, and as an accessory to the attack.
The animal abuse ordinance, believed to be the most stringent in the developed world, was passed in 2010 to protect domestic and social animal citizens from abuse at the hands of human citizens, but has been recently applied against animal citizens whose actions violate the rights of other animal citizens.
“The ordinance was meant to protect all citizens of Switzerland. As such, the law can and should be applied against any citizen of Switzerland who violates any other citizen’s rights, regardless of number of legs or amount of fur,” says Aarau’s animal attorney, Për Günnar Atørnë.
As the area’s only animal attorney, Mr. Atørnë will be representing both the accused and the victim in the case.
“This is crazy,” Ms. Von Vøgëlzwÿl said, from her cell in the Aarau jail where she’s being held while awaiting her own trial. “They’re cats. Cats fight sometimes. They have no concept of ‘rights’!”
This of course is untrue, at least according to Switzerland’s voters who in 2011 agreed on a Constitutional amendment stating that animals did understand the concept of rights.
Albin Überschwarlfîwallügerønggerléur, a neighbor to Ms. Von Vøgëlzwÿl, told reporters that he’d heard the cats fighting and roughhousing many times over the past few months, but had been afraid to notify authorities. “I thought if I called to report the abuse, it would only get worse for poor little Hannah,” Mr. Überschwarlfîwallügerønggerléur said. “Also, I thought that Hannah was living there of her own free will, she’d get out if she really wanted to.
“Now I wish I’d done more to help her.”
Because Ms. Von Vøgëlzwÿl was the human companion of both Ms. Montana and Ms. Cyrus, she will be paying for both the costs incurred by the defense, and any judgment that might be entered against the accused.
So far, neither Ms. Montana nor Ms. Cyrus has been available for comment.
Antoine-Pierre Gøëtshwälkkøer contributed to this story.
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I was cracking up while listening to Greg Gutfeld’s take on this on RED EYE i.e. a goat in a courtroom being asked to point to the man who sodomized him.