Why am I happy? How could a red blooded American man be happy about that? Football is over! No more Sundays of beer, barbecued food, tailgates blaring rap music from the early 90’s, and occasional post game trips to gentlemen’s clubs.  Well, that’s the stuff I am going to miss.  

The reason for my happiness of football season ending is for one reason and one reason only- Howie Long.  Every Sunday from August to February, I had to see him on television, and it nearly drove me insane. But please allow me to explain my deep rooted contempt for Mr. Long.    

This was not a great year for my beloved Philadelphia Eagles – of which I am a season ticket holder for. I was secretly happy that they didn’t have any home playoff games.  Not because I’m rooting against them, I just didn’t have the money to pay for them.  Lately, all I can afford is Walmart brand groceries, and that includes Walmart brand meat. And that has me nervous and suspicious because every time I’ve been to Walmart, there seems to be less and less stray dogs, squirrels, and pigeons in the area. I pray there is no correlation between the two. My girlfriend would kill me if we found out that my Chicken Cutlets are really pigeon cutlets.  I digress, but times have been tight to say the least.

So the Eagles did poorly, my pockets are empty, and Howie Long is on the television mocking everyone in America. For those of you who don’t know who he is- he is an ex-football player who now serves as a TV analyst and also the pitchman for Chevy Trucks. And this is where my problems and hatred for him kick in.  The commercials feature him making fun of other guy’s trucks and telling them how this Chevy truck is going to get them laid, fly them to the moon, cure cancer, and win the next UFC fight.  He bullies these guys around and probably makes them feel awful about the truck they are driving.  What a dick.  It is already hard enough dealing with fast talking used car salesmen, now we have to deal with an ex-defensive end harrassing us.

If he tried pulling this on me, I would totally plow him over with my 1999 Nissan Altima except I would be afraid that if I did so, even more crucial parts of the car would fall off.  I may sound like a kid here, but I hate his stupid face, I hate his stupid hair, and I hate his stupid glasses.  The last time I saw a dumb guy wear glasses to try and look smart was Stallone in the movie “Tango and Cash”. He has had the same haircut since forever. Throw a mustache and aviators on the guy and he is a cop.  Put him in some military fatigues and he is G.I. Joe.  He looks like a 1950’s basketball player on steroids. 

What I want to know is – what makes his truck so great? They never show it on TV. I would imagine that’s because his truck has been depoyed to Iraq and is shooting missiles at the Iraqis as we speak.  I am sure his truck can literally move mountains, turn water into steroids, and is slated to fight Rocky in his next movie.  And I bet if that whipper-snapper Calvin tried taking a piss on his Chevy, it would be the last piss Calvin took.

Beyond the truck commercials, he is a TV analyst along with the Holy Trinity of douche bags. It is him, Michael Strahan, and Jimmy Johnson.  I hear that Jimmy Johnson’s hair is wind proof, water proof, and for some lower caliber weaponry- bulletproof.  So now, for the next 6 months at least, I don’t have to deal with his bullying and dumb haircut.  And with football season over, I can do other macho things like exchanging crockpot recipes and listening to my Taylor Swift CD.       

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