I generally tend to go off in my blogs. I love picking on parents, their kids and all the stupid things they do both together and on their own. I guess I just have a knack for being obnoxious and judgmental — even though ironically, up until I had a kid, I didn’t think I was remotely judgmental. Now? Pshht. I totally am. It’s impossible not to be when it comes to parenting. It’s like the minute you squeeze out that kid, you start looking around at other people and their kids and think to yourself, “I can’t believe that mother is letting her son stand on top of the monkey bars. What a reckless moron.” It just happens. Just like your boobs become all engorged with milk whether you’re going to breast feed or not — the minute you have a kid, you instantly start thinking everyone else around you is doing something wrong. It’s uncontrollable. You can all deny it, but you know it’s true. You totally think the way you’re doing shit is way better than the idiot with the screaming kid next to you.

Anyway, instead of going off on all of you other parents out there today, I thought I’d focus on some of the fun aspects of parenting… at least as far as I’m concerned.

So here’s my list of why having a kid is (mostly) awesome:

1 – When they’re infants, they smell amazing. Except when they spit up. Then they smell like vomit, but mostly — that baby smell, well it’s just flat-out unbeatable.

2 – Knowing that there are times when all your kid wants in the whole wide world is you? Awesome. Except when it’s like 3am and they have to pee. Then you wish they wanted whoever else was in the house.

3 – Walking in the door at the end of a long day at work (or after just being away from them for hours) and seeing their eyes light up when they spot you… watching them drop what they’re doing, as they run full speed ahead towards you, arms spread wide… and that moment where you feel the tightness of their little arms around your neck… It makes the fact that they just got paint all over your new coat totally worth it — until you get the bill from the cleaners.

4 – Newborn baby sleeping on your chest. Better than Xanax.

5 – When they’re toddlers, like say 3-years-old, and they actually become funny and fun to be around? That’s my favorite part right now. You’re sitting around on a Saturday, totally bored and you look at your kid and say, “Dude,” (yeah I call my daughter dude sometimes), “you wanna go bowling, eat some pizza and then play some video games?” And they look at you with this huge smile like their head is going to explode and scream, “YES!” Well, that’s pretty awesome. Because for one, who doesn’t want to go bowling, eat pizza and play video games? And secondly, you just became the coolest person on the planet to this kid. So all of those time-outs you gave them yesterday? Totally erased from their memories! You are the greatest person on the planet right now.

6 – Morning snuggles.

7 – Making them say funny shit that is meaningless to them but cracks you and your friends up for hours. I actually get in trouble for abusing this one. Totally worth it though.  

8 – Having a valid excuse for being in Toys R Us.

9 – Having a valid excuse for using the express lane at the supermarket when you have way over 10 items. “So sorry! But my daughter has to pee so badly and I don’t want her going all over the floor right in front of your register.” Like anyone’s going to debate you on that one.

10 – When you’re in labor (or your wife, girlfriend, whatever, is in labor) and the baby finally comes out and you see her/him for the first time… and you hear that cry and you touch those fingers — and your heart stops for just a moment… because you know that you’ve just experienced the greatest moment of your life. Nothing will ever compare to it.

So yeah after # 10, it’s mostly downhill from there, what with the sleepless nights, the gassy baby, the formula/breast feeding debates, the sleeping positions — on her back or on her stomach? — fuck it, I’m putting her on her side!

Parenting is the craziest thing I have ever done. Sometimes I’m awesome at it and sometimes I flat out suck. But the one thing that remains constant, at least for me so far, is that no matter what I’ve done — at the end of the day — I’m the greatest person in this kid’s world.

Until Grandpa shows up. Then all hell breaks loose and I become the Goddam Punisher.

Going Parental appears every Thursday.

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