The Winter Olympics begin in Vancouver on Friday, and I can hear many of you sighing with boredom. Who cares, right? And then there are the cynics amongst us who may believe that a pursuit of excellence is a worthwhile endeavor, but who are disgusted by how the athletes are exploited – they make the sacrifices, but corporations, governments, and the IOC reap the rewards.

So, let’s be honest about both and find a way to make the games more interesting, while admitting that Olympics are exploitative of the athletes; let’s just embrace the idea. At the same time, we should change the Olympic motto, citius altius fortius — faster, higher, stronger. I’d like to recommend citius, altius, sanguius — faster, higher, bloodier. And in so doing, truly honor the spirit of the games: the production of filthy lucre at the cost of our ideals. Here are a few new sports we could implement, if not immediately, then in time for Sochi, 2014:

Short-Track Speed Skating with Live Chainsaws

Now, I actually think short-track speed skating is pretty good. Lots of action. Possibility of death. But what if the athletes had to zip around the track holding live chainsaws? Just think of the ad revenue.

Four-man Bobsled Jumping

Any wimp can land a 120-metre jump on skis. Now, landing a bobsled filled with three other horrified Olympic athletes, that takes real skill. In fact, I bet that very few athletes could manage it. For added thrills, the bobsled jumpers could hold up their arms as they’re airborn, just like a roller-coaster! And just think of the cross-promotional activities with amusement parks.

Ultra-G

Much more dangerous than Super-G, Ultra-G combines the mind-bending speed of a flat-out downhill run with a circle of ice that looks like a gigantic Hot Wheels loop at the end of the slope. The winner of this event will probably be a qualified fighter-jet pilot or astronaut. Losers will be remembered in their nightmares by a generation of traumatized television viewers.

Polar Biathlon

You’d think that a combination sport that included brutal cross-country skiing and the use of firearms would be really exciting. And you’d be wrong. But add polar bears, and you have Olympic magic!

In a regular biathlon, the athletes ski a certain distance, and then have to fire their rifle from either prone or standing positions. They carry small bore rifles, and fire at five separate targets. Here we changed the skiing component to one flat-out race against a polar bear, at the end of which the athlete must turn, un-shoulder their rifle, and fire at the polar bear. Obviously, this wouldn’t be very sporting if the athletes only got a small bore rifle — a .22 slug is probably going to feel like a mosquito bite to a polar bear — so I suggest a much heavier caliber, but in the spirit of fair play, they will only get one shot.

And if they miss, it will give new meaning to “the agony of defeat.”

Ultimate Couples Ice Dance

Sure, there can be moments of pure artistic bliss in the current Ice Dance competition, but it has been marred with controversy in the past. At the Salt Lake games, the French judge was bribed (either with sex, or money, or both, I don’t remember), and what is that Russian judge up to? No good, that’s for sure.

Besides the method of judging and its gooft artistic component, Ice Dance doesn’t really meet the requirements of higher, or faster, and it definitely isn’t bloodier. So how could we spice up this choreographed ice-skating ballet of duos?

Let’s change the format to elimination, and have the couples face off in the rink. Two couples enter, one couple leaves! Two couples enter, one couple leaves! It’s the sub-zero Thunderdome!

Now, we know that some of you would like to see this played out with weapons, but I’m a purist, and believe the only weapons allowed should be their hands, elbows, heads, knees and feet. And of course the feet are attached to razor-sharp ice-skates, so we will definitely be able to fulfill the sanguius component of our new motto.

The only problem is getting a zamboni powerful enough to clean up the ice between bouts.

Naked Fire Luge

Though not as dangerous as skurlington, naked fire luge, is, in many ways, a much more exciting sport for the viewer. The luge run is ringed by fire on both sides, and there are massive pools of napalm behind each of the curves. The highly flammable gelatin is held safely behind the concrete shoulders, except for a thin celluloid membrane near the top of the berm. If an athlete takes the corner too high, the membrane rips, which in turn releases the napalm, which is ignited by the flre at the top of the run.

For added excitement and visual appeal, the entire race is run stark naked and at night. This should also give the doubles event an added frisson. And I hope it also encourages more mixed doubles teams. Not that there’s anything wrong with the traditional two-man luge thing. (I’m looking at you Germany.)

An unsuccessful run.

Bottomless Ski Jumping

This event is technically not for the athletes, but a chance for countries to improve their standings in the medals. A standard ski jump is fitted with one bottomless pit at the end of the run. (Winter Olympic committees, I’d recommend ACME Bottomless Pits for your supply.)

Participants can be voluntary, or those “selected” by a country’s Olympic committee; we would suggest that this event is best served by having unpopular politicians take part.

Medals are awarded on the basis of who does the LEAST screaming on the way down. Gold only awarded to total silence, and probably the only way we can get some politicos to shut up.

Explo-Curling

Though not as fast-paced as skurlington, Explo-Curling more than makes up for it in sheer tension.

A standard game of curling is played, except each team is given one rock — indistinguishable from the others — that is a powerful explosive device rigged to explode on violent contact. They do not know which rock, and neither does the other team.

Skips are fitted with explosive belts set to blow at the same time as any rock on the ice sheet, giving them a stake in the game, and really making them think about those takeout shots.

Naturally, this is only a beginning. I’d be quite happy to entertain refinements, other suggested sports and better Latin translations in the comments. Also, I’m not sure what to do with all the “champion” polar bears. Original artwork courtesy of: rvr, soldiersmediacentre, hanna, johnthescone, and suchone.

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