There is nothing sadder than a teenager succumbing to external pressures to conform. I mean that literally, and taking into account everything that has ever happened in the history of recorded time. Teens who give in to pressure are the saddest things in the world.

That is why I was feeling particularly melancholic when I read the announcement by Bristol Palin, the daughter of a prominent former Republican vice-presidential candidate, that she was going to wait until marriage to have sex again:

[T]his month in an interview with the tabloid In Touch, Bristol said that although she is obviously no longer a virgin, since she has a baby and all, she is now going to be abstinent until she is married. “I can guarantee it,” she said.

The teenage years are the time in a person’s life when s/he is most capable of enjoying the coital act. I remember the joys I felt when I was a teenager, and having sex five, sometimes six times a day. Two minutes after I was done, I was ready to go again.

Now that I’m an adult, I can only manage about half that, and that’s pretty sad. It’s actually sadder than a teenager succumbing to external pressures to conform. But this isn’t about me.

It’s about Promiscuity-Only Sex Education.

As sad as one might feel to hear Ms. Palin’s announcement, one can also sympathize with her plight. After all, everywhere the modern teenager looks, s/he is assaulted by images of chastity, self-denial, and monogamy.

Popular culture is full of it. Countless television shows such as “The Bachelor,” “Rock of Love,” and “A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila” revolve around the concept of the search for one perfect mate. Celebrities who pair off into monogamous relationships are given adorable nicknames like “Brangelina,” “Speidi,” “Bennifer,” and “Bennifer.” Gays are trying to have their monogamous partnerships legally recognized.

And those who dare to flaunt their refusal to conform to society’s strictures are castigated. Gossip blogs use a derogatory term for a woman who sleeps with a lot of different men to refer to the actress Lindsay Lohan as “Hohan.” As a result, a once-promising career has suffered, with the “I Know Who Killed Me” sequel on hold. Paris Hilton, an object of scorn and ridicule from comedians, is often referred to as Parasite Hilton. Her only crime was to star in a sex tape that other people actually wanted to watch. And who can forget poor Britney Spears, driven to madness by public scrutiny of her private parts, who almost three years ago shaved her head as bare as her pubis, a cranial manifestation of the carnal shame projected upon her?

It’s as bad, if not worse, for men. Tiger Woods bought into the monogamy message that permeates our culture, and look what happened. It was too much for the young, wealthy, good-looking man to take, and he finally gave in to the “temptation” of coitus with women who weren’t his wife. For that he has been subject to so much scrutiny and ridicule you’d think he had actually done something bad. Which he did, of course. He shattered our monogamy illusion, like a window shatters when it’s hit with a golf ball.

Tiger Woods shattered our window.

Teens aren’t learning about sex — real sex — from their parents. Too many teens aren’t told that their sexual stamina will not last, and their ability to perform will diminish over time. By telling our teens to “wait,” we are implying that they’ll be able to have sex five or six times a day well into adulthood. Sadly, this is not the case. These teens are missing out on the prime of their lives, and we’re all at least a little to blame.

For this reason, it is vital that we have promiscuity-only sex education in our schools. We must counteract the rampant and unending barrage of images that assault our delicate teens every day. Their minds are ready to be molded. The teenage years are the time when they’re just starting to think seriously about these issues.

There are teens out there, right now, who don’t know the proper etiquette for a three-way. I remember when I had my first; I wasn’t sure how to satisfy one woman, without making the other feel “left out.” In fact, I was so nervous that I almost didn’t participate at all.

Let me repeat this, because it is one of the saddest things I’ve ever had to write: I was so nervous that I once almost didn’t participate in a three-way with two hot women.

Luckily, I had that three-way. I had others, too. Four-ways, and five-ways. I don’t think I ever got into a six-way, but there was one time when I was at a small party with eight other people, and we all ended up swapping. We weren’t all together at the same time, but it was still pretty hot.

Maybe I am straying off topic. Probably not. My original point still stands. Are teens going to ask their parents if it’s okay for two boys and a girl to have a three-way, and if so, do the boys have to kiss each other? Of course not.

Even now, there are teens out there who don’t know what a Hollywood conference call is. If someone asked them to do the Hermione spin they’d be met with a blank stare. They are clueless about chunneling.

There is nothing sadder than that.

• Author Bio
• Latest Posts

Ricky Sprague

Ricky Sprague occasionally writes and/or draws things. He sometimes animates things. He has a Twitter account and he has a blog. He scripted this graphic novel about Kolchak The Night Stalker. He is really, really good at putting links in bios.

Latest posts by Ricky Sprague (Posts)

• Meet the start-ups that are thriving in the current economic recovery - May 27, 2016
• How a Wonder Woman comic from 1942 led to the Great California Cow Exodus of 2012, maybe - November 28, 2012
• A common-sense approach to restoring economic prosperity - November 19, 2012
• New Philip K. Dick novel too absurd to be believed - September 17, 2012
• My 90 Days, 90 Reasons submission - September 12, 2012

Tags: art & entertainment, his & hers // 2 Comments »