Back in June, reason.com ran a story about a woman in Pennsylvania who wanted to begin a pole dancing class for exercise.  The town, Mars, was fighting her attempt in an effort to keep their streets clear of the hordes of hookers and prostitutes that were bound to descend upon them like a plague of locusts.

From the article by Shawn Macomber:

With the fire of a convert burning in her rapidly shrinking belly, Babines took a pilgrimage to the Las Vegas studio of fitness pole dancing’s grand doyen, Fawnia Mondey, known more for her work in the instructional DVD Strip To It: Bump n’ Grindthan for her appearances in such postapocalyptic feature films as White Slave Lovers and Forbidden Rage: White Slave Secrets. Babines returned home as the first Pennsylvanian to hold one of Mondey’s pole dance instructor certificates, signifying mastery of more than 60 moves and routines as well as basic first aid, should it ever be necessary to treat a client for excessive gyration.

…

Babines sank thousands into renovating her studio. The town inspector made mostly small requests light the exit sign, replace the furnace valve, and so on. But then she was blindsided by a subsequent letter declaring that the studio, which was christened Oh My You’re Gorgeous, was an “adult business” ineligible for an occupancy permit. This was a perplexing pronouncement on a facility that forbade spectators and catered solely to fully clothed women.

Well, in today’s news cycle, the town may have found a new hope.  There is now a glimmer of a chance that Mr. Babines, and the like minded hordes of 60something, go-go dancing grannies springing up across the nation, will be quietly settled down, not by a Zoning Board or Building Inspector, but litigation!  From FoxNews:

NEW YORK – A woman says a Manhattan gym left her hanging when she tried a new workout: pole-dancing.

Sue Ann Wee filed a lawsuit last week against the companies that run the Crunch fitness center chain. Lawyer Nicholas Warywoda says Wee seriously hurt both her shoulders when she slid down a pole and fell onto the floor while taking a Crunch pole-dancing class in June.

Apparently the woman couldn’t hold herself up while trying to swing upside down from the pole, fell, and hurt herself.  She is upset because the instructor couldn’t race over there and throw herself under Sue Ann’s plummeting form in the one second it would have taken her mass to accelerate in a downward motion before she came to an abrupt halt in roughly the vicinity of the floor or stage.

Now, look, I’m all for the freedom to try new things, to express yourself, to pole dance for fitness.  Trust me, I am usually of the opinion that the world could always use a couple more pole dancers.  But if you’re a middle aged, pleasingly plumping woman, do yourself a favor and keep in mind that hanging upside down from a stripper pole has certain inherent risks.  There are numerous reasons why most strippers weigh like 100-125 pounds; it’s not entirely the meth’s fault!

It’s hard as heck to support your weight with nothing but your naked legs, hanging upside down on a pole which is well polished from…  hmmm.  I’m just going to assume you get the general idea.

Look, ladies, speaking on behalf of all the men out there: we love ya.  We’re excited that you are anxious to lose some weight, that you’re trying to learn how to act like strippers, and that it’s all for the fellas (’cause face it, if there weren’t any men y’all’d eat two pints of Ben & Jerry’s every night, sitting on the couch, watching TiVo’ed daytime soaps.  Similar to what men would be doing if there were no women, sitting around a campfire, farting on one another.) 

But let’s be real.  If you’re 35, weigh like 180-200 pounds, and are trying to find a new exercise program to work off those love handles, go for something kinda easy at first. 

Try walking. 

Maybe take up something like rowing, if you’re ambitious when you first begin exercising? 

But as a general rule, you should definitely leave the stripper pole swinging to the professionals. 

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