Making sausage

Making sausage

Posted on January 6th, 2010 by Colin Cohen

Dramatis Personae
Barack Obama, President of the United States
Harry Reid, Senate Majority Leader
Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House

OBAMA: Guys, what’s this I hear about you conferencing my health care bill in secret?

REID: Well, Mr. President, like they say, legislation of this type is a lot like sausage. It’s better if the people don’t know how it’s made.

OBAMA: But I promised during the campaign that all negotiations surrounding this bill would be public.

PELOSI: Darling, that was such a long time ago. I wouldn’t worry, Americans have short attention spans — they can’t even remember what they had for breakfast.

OBAMA: Still, this could make me look bad.

REID: Mr. President, with all due respect, there’s a video floating around the Internet of me denouncing the Republicans for making secret deals back when we were in the minority in 2006. So, believe me, you don’t look nearly as bad as me.

OBAMA: I must say that I don’t like this at all.

REID: Yeah, but you don’t have to face reelection for almost three years. I’ve got an election this year, and this bill has made me less popular in Nevada than that whore from Leaving Las Vegas. In fact, many of my constituents say I’m looking like her more and more each day.

PELOSI: Harry, dear, I’ve been telling you for years you should move to San Francisco. My constituents simply adore you. In fact, some fellows have just been begging me to give them your number.

OBAMA: What about this guy from CSPAN who’s demanding to televise the negotiations?

REID: Tell him to shut up or we’ll cut off their access in some middle-of-the-night rule change.

OBAMA: I can’t do that.

PELOSI: If you want, darling, I can have one of my union thugs put a dead fish in his bed. That should deliver the message.

OBAMA: No — I promised this administration would be different!

PELOSI: Listen, do you want to pass this POS or not?

OBAMA: Of course. But wait — what do you mean, POS? I thought this bill would help people.

REID: And it will. All three of us.

PELOSI: Please, let’s not forget all the little people this bill will help, by providing them quality government health care. Now, if you boys will excuse me, I have to catch a plane to Zurich, or I’ll be late for my gynecologist.