December 24, 2009
I dream I am in a hospital to participate in a study of human arousal. Before I am to begin looking through magazines with provocative images, I wander the hallway and run into my friend, Bob. He informs me that he is visiting Sylvia Fine, wife of actor Danny Kaye. I am baffled as to how Bob knows Sylvia Fine and how he happens to know she’s in this hospital. Bob explains to me that it takes a little effort to find these things out but I could learn to do it. I point out that not only can’t I keep informed about Sylvia Fine’s whereabouts, but I can’t remember to wear pants. Indeed, I am walking the hallway with no pants on.

December 12, 2009
I dream I am naked at a party in a huge house and I wish to go upstairs unobserved. A cross between my mother and my wife suggests the most efficient route, up a series of dark, steep steps that I must climb like a jagged cliff. I avoid almost everyone, and the few who do see me are nonchalant. On each landing there are rooms filled with low tables covered with what appears to be thousands of bejeweled crystal tchotchkes. Also in each room there is a person on a cot completely covered by a blanket. I finally find a room with tchotchkes but no person and I become aroused. I must lie down on my back on the cold floor. A helpful colleague interrupts to tell me something.

December 27, 1993
I dream I am in a program designed to teach orthopedic masturbation. I am to pretend to have had a serious injury and attempt to masturbate while being timed. I am put into a closet to complete the test, but nobody leaves me alone long enough to get aroused.

“Fred’s Dreams” appears every Wednesday.

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