I worked as a bouncer/bartender for many years while I was in college.  As the New Year’s parties get kicked off on Thursday evening, here are a couple of things to think about when you run into the guy at the bar wearing the funky colored shirt with “crew” or “security” written on the back.

1) He’s certainly capable of shucking you like an ear of corn. 

Bar owners don’t hire men who can get beaten up by a random student at Sister Mary’s School for the Blind, Deaf, Dumb, and Paraplegic.  These are men who are in their early-to-middle 20s that seem to be the biggest, meanest specimens to walk through the door.  Don’t let the 15th whiskey and coke fool you into thinking you can take this guy and all of the other bouncers in the place at the same time.

2) He’s not getting paid that much, certainly not getting paid enough to listen to your lip.

I never got more than slightly above minimum wage working as a bouncer, and it’s rare that a bouncer will get tips unless he’s working the door or picks up some loot off the floor.  The money certainly isn’t good enough to make listening to whiny drunks entertaining.  Just sit at your table drinking, or go out and dance, but unless he starts a conversation with you, don’t talk to the guy.

3) He’s at work, on New Year’s Eve.

Yeah, maybe you and your gaggle of drooling idiots are out for a night of fun and debauchery, but this poor sap is at work, trying to provide for kids, pay a bill, or something else equally important.  Otherwise, he’d be there, partying with you.  Don’t give the guy grief, unless you’d relish the thought of him coming to your place of work on Jan. 4th and getting into your face yelling and screaming and waving firearms.

4) He’s not that interested in your stories about fights you’ve been in, how much you can bench press, or any other “I’m tough too” comments.

At 6’3″, weighing 300 lbs, I was about average in size for the clubs I worked as a bouncer in, and I can pick up three 50 lb hay bales in one hand, lift them above my head, and hand them to someone else in the hay maw about 1000-1500 times per day, every day, during hay season.  Your ability to crush an empty beer can on your forehead simply isn’t amazing.

5) He’s more interested in showing off than looking for trouble.

Most bouncers, after they’ve worked at a bar for a long period of time, develop a following of women from the bar’s “regulars” crowd.  Don’t ask me why, some women are just attracted to that sort of guy.  Trust me, a bouncer is more interested in showing off to the members of the fairer sex that seem to be willing to procreate with him, flexing, and clubbing in someone’s head with his fist to notice you unless you act up.

Once you act up, be prepared to become an object lesson for the ladies by someone much larger than you who likely goes home and masturbates to Patrick Swazye’s Road House at the end of his shift.

6) He’s seen all kinds of twisted stuff out of drunks.  When you goof up, it’s just business as usual to him.

I once saw two girls laying naked in the floor of a men’s bathroom at the skeet skeet I was working at in Marquette, MI, doing various things to one another of a lascivious nature while the guys walking in threw dollar bills on them.  Have you ever seen the floor of a men’s bathroom in a crowded club at 1 AM?  Do you know how nasty that was?  Believe me, you’ve got to come up with some freaky deaky stuff to really impress the bouncer.  Don’t take his gruff demeanor and ready dismissal of you as a bad thing.

7) You’re a lot less likely to get roughed up if you treat the guy with a minimum of respect.

A simple “yes sir” or “no sir” could mean the difference between finishing your drink and getting expensive dental work done.  Just a thought.

8) He’s not a waitress.

Don’t holler your drink order at him, nor expect him to clear the table.  That’s the waitress’s job, and she better be getting tipped for it, but it’s not his job.  He’s there to River Dance on your head if you mistreat the little lady…

9)  He doesn’t care if you’re a paying customer or not.

His boss is the bar owner, the guy with the bouffant hairdo, $5000 leather boots, $2000 gold watch, and shirt and pants that look like his 4th wife might have spent $2.00 on them at the Goodwill thrift store back in ’72.  That’s the guy who signs his paycheck, and the reason he hired the bouncer is specifically so he wouldn’t have to listen to you.  Don’t think that spending $10 on a couple of drinks automatically turns you into some kind of royalty.  The bar can toss you out and they’re still going to sell enough other drinks to get by.

10) There are too many people out on New Year’s Eve for him to worry about you.

The bar is going to be full of felons, child molesters, hookers, and drunks.  There is only so much time for him to devote to all of these reprobates, if you keep it even half way civilized, you should escape unwanted attention from the big guy.

If you keep those things in mind, you should get along quite well with the security at whatever function you attend.  Have fun, drink a bunch, don’t drive, and stay safe, but do not give the hardworking bouncer a rough time. 

Unless you enjoy unzipping your pants every time you want to smoke a cigarette.

Happy New Year!

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