I don’t know what it is that keeps you up at night worrying, dear reader, but I think I’ve got something more important to bring to your attention. It’s not anything mundane like the economy, airline terrorism, or global climate change-these simply are not the biggest problems facing humanity, and we’ve all got to be on the same page if we’re going to survive. So pull yourself together for this.

In the last week, two news articles caught my eye. Taken separately, they might be merely interesting tidbits of zoological behavior research. But when taken together, they indicate an alarming pattern, and they paint a clear picture of impending doom for our species.

First, chimpanzees have “mastered” the first stage of fire supremacy. That’s right. FIRE. It was once thought that human beings were different from other animals in many ways, including language, tool use, wanton violence, and mastery of fire. One by one these barriers have fallen, presumably because of an attempt by some species to “catch up” with us. These programs for accelerated evolution were most likely initiated in the wake of Charles Darwin’s publication of The Origin of Species on 24 November 1859. While we don’t know exactly which species are making a push, we do have evidence that the chimps are gaining ground on us. The last barrier, the proverbial “fire wall”, was the wall of FIRE. It has been breached like a porpoise, my friends.

“No big deal,” you may lie to yourself. Nice try.

The second issue is that chimps have begun arming themselves. Anvils and cleavers may not sound that alarming if you are a naïve rube, but I implore you to consider the obvious implications. What will you say when the apes arrive at your front door with anvils, cleavers, and FIRE?

This isn’t some Woody Harrelson movie, dear reader. This is from MSNBC and BBC. This is real. Our short term plan must be to prepare to defend our homes and persons with extreme force-firearms, one of the few subsets of tool that (to our knowledge) the chimps haven’t yet cracked. (We can only hope they haven’t figured out TCP/IP protocols and are not eavesdropping on this very article.) Having a gun and being prepared to use it confers two advantages. The first is the ability to defend your family from armed, organized, super-evolving arsonist apes. The second is the ability to merge two famous Charlton Heston quotes into one, as you raise your rifle over your head and yell at them, “You can have my gun when you pry it from my cold, dead hands… you damned dirty apes!”

Admit it, that’s going to be hot. Even for the liberals.

But that’s only the short term plan. We must also think long term. Our status as the dominant species on this planet is not secure, and now is not the time internal bickering or snide remarks about our collective transgressions. These two news articles were posted within the last week. A conservative extrapolation predicts that the chimpanzees could have written language by April, silverware and sauces by June, and jet aircrafts by 2012.

Attempts to stop their progress will not be enough. The best defense is a good offense, dear reader. You must evolve. For the sake of the species and without delay, you must do all you can to become more advanced than you currently are. Do some calculus, do some yoga, and read When Falls the Coliseum every single goddamned day. I pray that it will be enough.

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